A Tribute to Hal

My friend Hal is the kind of leader I would like to be – or at least he has character traits that I aim to learn from. He is kind, sensitive, funny, and makes connections with people and with leadership principles by using magic tricks and experiential activities. We compared Myers Briggs types, and he is the exact opposite of me – my ENTJ to his INFP, for those who are familiar with the “types.” That’s why I asked him to team up with me in facilitating some leadership training recently. Creativity experts talk about the need for difference in group members, in environments, in senses accessed, and so on, if people are to generate creative and innovative solutions to problems. And I knew that those I was training would benefit from our differences.

And yet, there are many things that join us together, regardless of our differences and the benefits of “gifts differing.” And when Hal was recently felled by a major health tragedy, it was hard not to feel his and his family’s pain deep in the center of who I am. After all, we are both in business for ourselves. We are both trainers. We are both about the same age. We are both vulnerable to the vagaries of health, the economic climate, and many other things beyond our control. We are both humans who inhabit the same community. It escapes me how people can find their way out of such holes of vulnerability without appealing to something higher than themselves, however they define it. I certainly have, this week, called out for that Higher Power. Called out for a strength greater than my own.

And I know that the families of those shot in Aurora and Wisconsin are doing the same at this moment. As are Hal and his family. In fact, the maxim “Behind every good man is a good woman” comes to mind as I consider Hal and his wife’s current journey. The notion that “no one is an island” and that we all need one another takes central stage as I consider the shootings. And it brings me to the thought that we all need to be focused on what is really important in life, reaching for the best of what we have to offer, because we never know when our greatest strength or kindness will be needed. In fact, one wonders if there is ever a time that it is not needed. If we are not noticing the need, perhaps we are not opening our eyes!

And yesterday, I watched great strength and kindness in Hal’s wife. A gentle, tender, wise, hopeful woman whom most of us could do well to emulate. A woman tuned in to her husband’s needs of the moment. A woman reaching out to her husband’s community to inform them, trusting them to care and to do the right thing. A woman ready to do whatever is necessary. A woman who has created a loving family that is also gathering around Hal. A woman of faith – who will need great support in this time of tremendous challenge.

And I think, “Can any of us really afford not to aim toward being like this woman?” If we look around at our world, can we really accept that love and hope and encouragement and other character traits are not essential and needed in every moment of every day? Shouldn’t we take a little time each day to figure out how we can aspire to the higher? To our better selves? To what’s optimal – instead of the minimum necessary? I know that tragedies make me rethink these things. What about you? What will you do with the pain and tragedy around you? Will you join me in investing energy in love and joy and faith and kindness and . . . . ? Well, you get my point!

What About Me?

One of the great struggles of parenting is figuring out how to optimally meet children’s needs while also managing to meet your own. This struggle is magnified when parents work outside the home. Those who work outside the home sometimes think enviously of their friends who get to just do one thing - parent – and who get to put all of their focus on their kids. If they don’t like their jobs, they may find themselves particularly envious of those who stay home.

But the envy can go both ways – Stay-at-home parents often think those out in the work world are living it up. That they are getting to do all kinds of meaningful and world-changing activities. Some stay-at-home parents long for the opportunity to really make a difference in the world. A difference in something bigger than changing diapers and cleaning toilets and ensuring that the homework gets done.

And that is the rub, isn’t it? Parenting is perhaps the most important job parents will ever do! Most start families because they want children. They want to have a loving family. They want to bring a little miniature of themselves into the world. They want to contribute to creating the world. They want to do with their children all of the joyous things they had opportunities to do as children. Or they want to ensure that their children have better experiences than they did as children.

Figuring out how to mesh work in the world and work in the home - two very important and meaningful activities -- together without blowing a gasket is a tremendous challenge. And it grows more challenging in single parent families. And then add complications like moving or illness or the end of the school year or grandparents who need extra care or a recession or job loss. What’s a parent to do? Sometimes it just takes letting go of it all, sitting in front of the television set and vegging out! Sometimes parents need to feed themselves - both figuratively and literally. Sometimes they need to call on friends, and simply say, “Help!!” Most times they just have to admit to themselves that they are in a hole, that they can’t do it all, that they need to let go of all the extras, and that they need to call in all of their favors.

When others respond to the call, parents know they aren’t alone. They then have a little more time and a little more emotional energy to figure out what to do to make life better. Friends can help parents through the tough times so that they can come out on the other side. Friends coming to the rescue create a sense of community that helps prevent the chaos the next time around. And parents can contribute to that community in better times, when their friends are in need.

So, give yourself a break today! Take a little “me” time! Get the balance out and look at how much nurturance is coming in and how much is going out. Decide to take a little more in - if for nothing else than to ensure that you are well stocked for the end of the school year, for the next time the children’s needs become overwhelming. All parents need it. And you deserve it too.

From Science to Humanity

Isn’t it interesting that in these days of doing with less, we seem to be reevaluating what really matters? Isn’t it amazing that at a time when we wonder if we will have houses to live in, or when the next paycheck will arrive, we are giving more to those in need? It seems that, in response to the unethical, and, in some cases, outright illegal behavior of our leaders, we are focusing more on ethics, on doing the right thing, on how our society has declined morally, and on what’s needed to turn things around. We seem to be emphasizing community more, and in doing so, emulating our European and Latino neighbors -- that is, relatives and friends are moving in together. Children are living at home for longer. Bartering is seen more frequently.

But perhaps the greatest shock is that the field to which we attribute the greatest fault in this financial crisis – economics – is, according to David Brooks of the New York Times, retreating from its rational, scientific base, and “taking baby steps into the world of emotion, social relationships, imagination, love and virtue.” The old notion that economics and business and such are about making as much money as possible by any means possible, the commitment to putting the almighty dollar first, above all else, may actually be dying a slow death. As Brooks points out, Adam Smith was a moral philosopher. Keynes saw economics as a moral science, dealing with “motives, expectations, psychological uncertainties.” So much for taking the emotion and humanity out of the economic world!

Of course, those in the religious, spiritual, and psychological worlds have always advocated for keeping humanity and spirituality in our daily life and workings. Anyone who has participated in a spiritual or religious community has at least heard about virtue and “the good” and optimal ways to live life -- usually life with God or life empowered by God. Of course, people in these communities reflect on these words or live them out to different degrees. In some of these communities, sin or hell or lack of God is emphasized as a means of getting people to choose something better.

In the psychological or mental health world, virtue or the development of mental health is rarely the focus – although “wellness” in the counseling field and “positive psychology” in psychology are currently getting more airtime. Instead, people who involve themselves with mental health professionals are usually motivated to get help or to “fix” something in their lives by emotional pain or relationship struggle. And mental health professionals themselves are, for the most part, also primarily focused on reducing pain and struggle – after all, insurance companies don’t pay for developing joy or gratitude or other virtues. Occasionally, in this world, people pursue or offer parenting groups or some form of positive mental health education in order to promote life skills or to get better in doing life or relationships.

But it seems that most of the time we are motivated by pain or crises or “fires” that need to be put out. Is that all that is happening now? Are the observations listed above reflective of true transformation or will we merely resume our lives of “automaticity” once the financial crisis is over? Will we use the crisis as the impetus to shift to a whole new way of viewing the world and our society? Or will we return to plugging away at whatever is in front of us, believing the “money first” aspirations of our boss or business colleagues? Will we rise to the challenge and become more reflective and intentional about the way we live our lives, more aware of the larger, longer term picture, more concerned with how we can live together in peace, ensure that everyone has enough, and preserve our environment for our children and grandchildren? Or not – it seems that there is a fork in the road before us. Will we take “the one less traveled on?”

The Path Out of Upheaval (July 2009)

Not a day goes by these days when I don't awaken to reports on NPR of the numbers of lives and businesses and communities in upheaval due to the economic crisis. Whether loss of jobs, loss of homes, loss of retirement, or loss of companies, a large number of us are struggling to survive, and during the struggle, having to figure out how our lives will transform over the next few years. It helps to know that we are not alone, that the vast majority of us are not to blame. It helps to know that recessions turn around. It helps to know that, because so many people are being affected, we can commiserate, talk more openly with one another, and in doing so, build and experience a sense of community that may sometimes have been lacking before. And part of that community seems to be an increase in the degree to which people are reaching out to and caring for others in need, in the sense that we are all in this together and that we need to help one another, in the sense that we are all connected and that what one person does can't help but trickle out and down to the rest of the community. I see more people taking action politically and in service to make things better in our world.

While reading recently, I was introduced to some theological concepts expressed in Ronald Rolheiser's book, The Holy Longing, that I find pertinent to our current turmoil. I realize that not everyone will be familiar with or committed to Christian concepts, but bear with me for a moment while I share what has most moved me. Rolheiser speaks of the hope of the Pascal Mystery (that is, the series of events surrounding Christ's death and resurrection) for our lives in a way that I have found personally relevant, but think could be relevant to others and to our community at large as well. The series of events are Good Friday (when Christ dies on the cross), Easter Sunday (when He rises to new life on Earth), a 40 day period before the Ascension (when He rises to heaven), and the Pentecost (when the Holy Spirit is received by his disciples). Now I realize that these are esoteric ideas to those who don't share this faith, but stick with me for a moment.

Rolheiser parallels what are fundamental Christian events to the patterns of our lives in order to create hope. For instance, he points to the shock to our system of a "death" experience, whether loss of a home, a job, a marriage, a child, etc. (Good Friday). Sometime after that death experience - it may take a while -- we may have a sense of "rising" to a new life - some sense of meaning that our lives are to have, some calling that has been shaken loose by the loss, some reevaluation of what is really important in our lives (Easter). Consider, for example, the long effort to get a mandatory seat belt law passed in Florida by a man whose daughter died as a result of not wearing a seat belt. Consider the passion with which the founder of Mother's Against Drunk Driving developed her organization after her child was killed by a drunk driver. Each of these "callings" arose from tremendous personal tragedy.

But even if we have felt called to a new life, there may be a long period of time (the 40 days) in which we are living with both the death and the new life - We are experiencing the profound sense of loss, the wish to return to our previous life, the wish to all that we have been forced to leave behind. But we are also experiencing the hope of a new life, the hope generated by the new sense of meaning and call. We may wonder how long this struggle will last, the struggle to let go of what's past and to fully embrace what is to come. We may wonder why we continue to feel depressed or sad when the promise of something better is in front of us. We may not truly want to let go. We may have no clarity about the process involved in actually getting to that new life. And some friends and family members may urge us to let go and move on before we are truly ready, before we have fully grieved the loss.

At some point, however, we reach the time for embracing the new life. And Rolheiser parallels this to the Ascension - That is, we need to let the old go, allow it rise and die (at least in some form) in order to fully receive the spirit of the new life to come (Pentacost).

I find myself reassured by this sense of a life and death cycle. It feels hopeful, promising. It gives the sense that we all have to go through this sort of a cycle when we experience a loss. No one escapes experiencing losses. But there is the promise of something better at the end of the cycle that can encourage us to fully embrace the cycle.

It is holding onto the notion of this cycle that offers us a sense of promise about our country's (well, world's actually) current condition. Many people are losing. Many other people are reaching out to help them. Hope comes from knowing that "this too shall pass," from many people being in the same boat, and from focusing our blame externally rather than toward ourselves. Obama and other leaders have made bold sweeping promises about the government's determination to raise people from the holes that they have been dropped into, to a place of partial government help (unemployment compensation increases, for example) while what is to come is "created," and to give all of us time to discover what that better will be.

We need to do what's necessary to recognize the "death" or loss for what it is: painful, awful, hurtful, but only the first step in the cycle. We need to call out for guidance and vision about where we need to go and have the hope that it will come. We need to surround ourselves with supportive people or groups to hold us while we are in the waiting period, experiencing both the loss and the hope in an alternating pattern. And eventually we will need to give up the anger and hurt and pain, allow it rise and move away. When we have learned all we can from it and let it go, we will be able to fully receive the "spirit" of the new life, fully embrace a hopeful future. It will no doubt look different than we ever imagined.

In the picture as Rolheiser describes it, I find hope. I find encouragement to be patient with myself through the waiting period of not knowing where my path may lead. I find promise that new life will come. It seems to me that if we have faith that the future does indeed hold a "new life" for us, then we can allow ourselves to be here, now, where we need to be. We can embrace both the pain and the promise. We can be patient with ourselves and with others. In the letting go are both sadness and gentleness, hurt and patience, trust in ourselves, others, and the universe at large. In fact, we can celebrate the talent of the many working together to raise ourselves out of the mire in which we have found ourselves.

So whether it is the personal loss of a home or job or family member, or the group loss of a pastor or teacher or leader, or the company loss of assets or clients or the CEO, we have choices. We can choose fear and anger and reactivity which may energize us to take needed action. But when we lose energy and feel depressed, or sad, or lose hope, we may also need promise and vision and call to hold onto. We may need to embrace both our attachments to what we have lost, and our hope for what is to come. And we will need cojourneyers along the way to hold out a hand and remind us of who we are, what we are called to do, what the promise is. Eventually, we must make the choice to allow our loss to rise and move away so that we can receive the spirit of our new life. But while we await that point, perhaps it helps to know that a waiting period is expectable, and normal, and will not go on forever.

Aiming for a Kinder, Gentler Nation (April 2009)

Today, I attended an event on the Stigma of Mental Illness. I was struck by the damage that is caused by labels, by talking about people behind their backs, and by failing to be the loving, caring people that we have the ability to be. No one at this event was defining mental illness - I suppose we were all putting our own definitions into the pictures being created by the speaker. But participants seemed to share openly about their experiences with depression, addiction, bipolar disorder (manic-depression), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and posttraumatic stress disorder.

The moderator, a well-known journalist in our area, reflected on how nice it was to be in a room full of people that she could talk openly with, that she could say, "I have alcoholism and bipolar disorder" without worrying about whether there would be a backlash. She had experienced a great deal of backlash in other settings, including where she worked, due to stigma. A teenager who grieved the death of her father also shared how hard it had been to tell her own mother that she was struggling emotionally. We all wondered if changing our language would help reduce the stigma - but it became clear that language changes would not be enough.

I shared my own struggles with what to do about a child-relative's disorder. As I told the group: "Her greatest fear is people knowing that she is different. If the other kids know she is different, they will make fun of her and will be mean to her. And so she keeps her struggles a secret." I proposed that we aim for creating mentally healthier environments for our children and for others, environments in which people demonstrate the character traits of caring, tenderness, respect, love, fairness, compassion, and sensitivity (please feel free to add to this list). Perhaps if we insisted that children in our schools behave with character, and taught them how, and rewarded them for achievement gained with character, my child-relative would not have to be so frightened about people knowing her fully, knowing about her "disorder."

My own ease with sharing openly about struggles or mental health issues in my family comes from being a therapist for many years. We therapists spend our lives talking about and relating to difficult emotions and life difficulties. We get comfortable with knowing the depths of people's pain, with knowing that their struggles are not dangerous to us, and with caring at deeper levels than the ordinary citizen might manage to do.

But the numbers of people who struggle, for various reasons - some chemical or physiological, some environmental -- means that most of the people that we encounter will, at some point in our interactions with them, be struggling. I am amazed at the "issues" faced by the parents I meet through my child's elementary school - we have learning disabilities, depression, anxiety, Ausberger's, family violence, and family alcoholism. Many children are in special programs or are receiving counseling. And yet the secretiveness continues.

I have often thought that if everyone knew everyone else's business, or if we passed around anonymous cards with everyone's struggles written on them, we would not be so judgmental. Everyone would know that they were not alone in their struggles; they could take turns being kind and reaching out to one another with support. The children and families that face these struggles need to connect with others who understand, who care, and who don't judge. They need to be relieved of the isolation that comes from fearing that if they share openly, they will be judged. They need to find others who can relate to them, and can offer resources or a kind word.

And perhaps if we all behaved in this way, people would actually heal! Wouldn't that be amazing? Or even if not fully healed, people might be more likely to seek and find the kind of help that could reduce or teach them to manage their symptoms. And they might be gathered into the warmth of a community that compensated for their difficulties (not everyone has to be good at everything) while acknowledging and making the most of their strengths and gifts - strengths and gifts that could compensate for some one else's limitations.

Fundamentally, I wonder why we tolerate schools, classrooms, businesses, colleges, service providers and other organizations and people who don't demonstrate the understanding and kindness that all of us need - if not always, then at certain key moments in our lives? Why do we sit back in our isolation, figuring that it isn't safe out there, so we will stick to ourselves, and not interact openly with anyone beyond the people we know well? Why do we say, "That's just the way s/he is," rather than recognizing when people are troubled and need us to care? Why do we stay disconnected and detached and pass the buck? Do we really believe that this will make our lives easier? Do we really believe that we are so powerless in creating better communities? Do we really think that we can get away with failing to be our "brother" or "sister's" keeper?

I am willing to commit myself, starting today, to intentionally looking for ways to build connections and to be more caring. Perhaps I will write a reminder on my phone's opening screen. Will you join me? What might happen if we each decided to do one more caring thing each day? Can we together aim for the optimal in our relationships with our neighbors, our coworkers, our teachers, our children, our relatives, our friends? And can we extend our circle of caring beyond that inner circle to those we meet on the street, in restaurants, or in stores? To those who clean our houses, mow our lawns, or fix our air conditioners? What are the possibilities if we all said, "Yes, we can!" to becoming a kinder and gentler nation?

Independence No More (March 2009)

So, this was the week that Bernie Madoff went to jail, and people stood outside the courthouse to celebrate his getting his "just desserts." The extent of the damage caused by his behavior has boggled the minds of many of us, and made the rest of us wonder if there is any way to protect our investments. We wonder if being responsible and saving will actually pay off in the end. We are shocked that people got "taken" who know a lot more about finances and investments than we do. "If they got taken," we reason, "What chance is there to prevent ourselves from being taken?" In other words, Madoff's fraud and dishonesty shakes our sense of financial security. It increases our fears. It shakes our sense of trust in our institutions. It makes us wonder who we can trust.

I hope it also challenges our "live and let live" and "everyone gets to believe what they want to believe" and "every person for him/herself" mentalities. Consider the phenomenal impact of Madoff's choices, the trickle down impact of Madoff's behavior. For instance, wealthy people in Palm Beach have had to foreclose on their homes, and have wondered how they will support themselves now that their wealth is gone. Some of us may say, "Well, I am not sure if I care too much about people who have had more than their share all along." But I think that, upon careful reflection, we will realize all of the people that these folks kept employed: gardeners, house cleaners, pool care people, home repair workers, interior designers. These employees didn't deserve to lose their livelihoods! And consider how much wealthy people buy in their communities on a regular basis, and the impact on the local businesses that are losing that income: restaurants and bars, clothing stores, car dealerships, theatres, home furnishings stores, and repair companies. Those businesses didn't do anything wrong! They didn't deserve the chaos caused by Madoff's illegalities!

But perhaps most distressing to me are the losses to philanthropic work that have and will trickle down from the losses experienced by wealthy people. Contributions to the arts, to research on health problems like AIDS and breast cancer and altzheimer's, to public television and radio, and to service organizations are all in jeopardy. And while the arts and broadcasting industries add value to our lives, more upsetting are the losses of services to those who don't typically access that value: the hungry, the homeless, those who are losing their homes, the mentally and physically ill, and the children off all of these less advantaged people. And, of course, Madoff's scandal is not the only challenge to philanthropy these days. The financial and real estate industries share that blame.

I think our current ethical and legal and economic experiences are a profound wake up call for all Americans who still believe in pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps, in independence as a way of life, and in "every person for him/herself." We need to realize that one person's illegal, unethical, or character-less behavior affects us all. We are not insulated from one another. We are all connected. My behavior affects my friends and neighbors, colleagues and family members. They then react in ways that affect all of their friends and neighbors, colleagues and family members. And so on, in a wider and wider web of influence. If my behavior is positive, inspiring, and character-full, then I will spread love and inspiration and hope and trust out into that web. However, if I make less inspired choices, then I poison the web, and that spreads fear and despair and mistrust and a "you better get while the getting is good" mentality. And as people take the first step down the "slippery slope" of taking what they want, even if the shouldn't, it becomes harder and harder to climb back up, and the crimes become bigger and bigger, and more and more dangerous and harmful.

Let's instead own the connections that are the reality of our current existence. Let's own them and relish them and challenge one another to be more than we have been. Let's declare, "Independence no more!" and celebrate our interdependence. Let's rise to the challenge of taking responsibility for more than ourselves and our own families. Let's realize that as long as one person, one community, one country in the world is suffering in disease, poverty, homelessness, crime, or poor education, then we are all at risk. We are all affected even if we are unaware of the impact. Did you know that we are all paying 17% more at the checkout stand just to make up for the theft experienced by retailers? I am sure that you can point to other costs of illegal or unethical behavior that many of us are paying daily, sometimes unknowingly.

Let's celebrate the ethical code that Obama requires federal employees to sign, even if it means it takes longer to find necessary employees. Let's support efforts by our current administration to get everyone involved in creating change, in empowering all Americans ("Yes We Can!"), in combating apathy, in building technology-assisted networks to keep people informed and to listen to citizens. Whatever political party we hail from, I think we need to rise to the challenge to reconnect ourselves with our neighbors, next door, down the street, downtown, on the "other side of town," on the other side of the country, and on the other side of the world. And once connected, we need to send positives out through that web, positives like trust, love, fairness, respect, honesty, responsibility, wisdom, courage, and integrity. We need to spread the wealth of character and material possessions and money. We need to reach out to community members and friends and family members who have lost jobs, or lost homes, and are struggling to survive this economic crisis. We need to stop blaming those who don't have what we do, stop our superiority complex, and realize that environment counts for a lot - and in this environment, many are over-challenged. If we won't take a stand and do it, who will? If we don't act now, then when?