Teaching Kids to be Grateful

One of the discussions raised about Black Friday this year was whether starting sales on Thanksgiving evening at 9 pm was cutting into family time, into the time allocated to giving thanks for what really matters. How, it was asked, can we teach our children about gratefulness if we are willing to curtail Thanksgiving in favor of raw materialism? In fact, one article touted research in favor of emphasizing gratefulness because grateful children

• are happier,
• get better grades,
• have more friends,
• feel less envy and depression,
• place less importance on material goods,
• are more willing to share, and
• are less likely to judge themselves and others in terms of possessions accumulated (Denver Post, Wirthman).

Who wouldn’t want these results for their children?

And so I am left to ask, how exactly do we teach our children to be more grateful? As Christmas and Hanukkah and New Year’s Eve approach, times when most of us celebrate very significant parts of our faith experience and have the opportunity to reevaluate our lives and make resolutions for improvements, it seems particularly valuable to help our children to carefully weigh what is important in their lives as well. Of course, it is unlikely that our children will do this if we adults are not taking the same opportunity to show gratefulness and to invest in what is valuable to us!

So ask yourself these questions: Do we consider these holidays merely a time

• For getting more stuff?
• For spending lots of money on giving parties?
• For being seen at the right parties dressed in the best clothes?
• For getting drunk or high?
• For having the yearly fight with family members we don’t get along with?
• For outshining the neighbors with our decorations?
• For draining our bank accounts in our efforts to show love or compete with others?

Or do we use this time of year to take stock of our lives, to ask questions such as:

• What do I really care about?
• What makes my life worth living?
• Who do I care about?
• What am I doing to show them my love?
• How am I investing time and energy and money in what matters?
• What conversations am I having with my children about what is important in life?
• Am I serving as a good role model for my children?

The “demands” for more “stuff” seem constant in our household. And the comparisons with what other children have or get are raised regularly. The choices I make to live frugally and to have only the “stuff” I need and to save money for what I consider important (for instance, college) frequently upset my daughter. She doesn’t want to feel “less” than her friends, and when kids are in middle school, fitting in by having the same material things and clothes and opportunities seems very important. I remember that time and how difficult it was to not do and have what other kids had because of my own parents’ choices.

But the world is filled with materialism and other values choices that help no one and, in some cases, actually cause problems (think pollution, overflowing landfills, foreclosures, recessions). If the grownups don’t make the hard decisions, it is unlikely that the children will make them. If the grownups aspire to the higher values in life, it is likely that the children will as well. So, as my friend used to say, let’s put on our big girl panties, and make the hard choices, stand for something important, become role models for our children, and have the hard discussions. Let’s talk with the other parents and ask them to join us, start discussions and support groups. Let’s take a stand for what’s right, rather than what’s merely more. Let’s make the world a better place for our children and grandchildren to create a future in. What a holiday gift that would be!