Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The True Meaning of Christmas

I was struck by the Denver Post article, “Teaching kids to be grateful,” that asked whether the Black Friday shopping events would turn kids into materialistic creatures, rather than helping them to be grateful for what they have. Gratefulness is difficult in our household, I must admit. And it seems to circle right around the perceived need for “stuff,” more and better “stuff” than the friends have – or at least the same amount and kind of “stuff” that friends have.

I remember those inclinations as a child – I would be forever asking our parents for what my best friend, Linda, had. My sister would regularly ask for a television and a horse, requests that were repeated every Christmas for most of our growing up years. And, as you can imagine, given that we had no television growing up, our parents were making different choices than the parents of our friends. We frequently felt left out or as though our friends were far better endowed than we were with clothes and toys and activities.

And yet, isn’t that the reason we are in such trouble economically now? That some folks wanted more and better stuff and put those wants above making wise choices? That they chose houses that they probably couldn’t afford, commissions on riskier and riskier mortgages, larger and larger bonuses? It’s as though folks were never taught to make wise financial decisions! It’s as though values went out the window when deciding on major financial investments! And, as it is now clear, individuals can’t just claim that it’s alright to make whatever decisions they want to because we have now been persuaded that poor decisions can be devastating for millions of people!

Interestingly, I chose a profession whose income levels were unlikely to bring in the kind of money necessary to “fix” what I, as a child, had considered inadequacies. And I chose a lifestyle that valued interpersonal relationships and spiritual matters more than material possessions. Particularly now that I am beyond 50, I have realized, as my high school economics teacher once told us – the more stuff you have, the more time and money you have to spend taking care of it. And I don’t want to spend the time or the money. I want to spend time with my daughter, enjoy the out of doors, travel, attend arts events, give something back to society. These are “riches” that fall by the wayside when one is a single professional mother if one has too much “stuff” to take care of. So, I have just downsized, living in a 1000 square foot place and getting rid of everything I didn’t absolutely love. The result is that my daughter feels “poor” despite our more than adequate housing and income – she does not share my values at this time in her life about what makes life “rich.” Like my childhood experiences with our parents, she has not yet come to value what I value, and, as a result, she feels deprived.

So, do we parents just give in? Or do we fully claim our roles as transmitters of values? Do we fully and intentionally teach our children the reasons for the choices we make, financial and otherwise? They will learn whether we are intentional or not, either following in our footsteps or rebelling strongly and making different choices. Do we talk with them about our choices and why we make them? Do we share the values that inform our choices? Do we ourselves think about our values and how our decisions will affect us, our children, and our world in the long run?

In fact, what better time than when we are approaching Christmas to become intentional about gratefulness and the right place for “stuff” in our lives. Spending money on Black Friday doesn’t have to be about materialism or greed or selfishness. In our household it was about getting 70% off on warm clothes that we were lacking due to a recent move from Florida to Colorado. Not spending money that we don’t have to spend is one of our values. So, earlier access to Black Friday sales is less the question than, “Will we be seduced by what is external – be it advertising or keeping up with the Joneses -- or will we be guided by an internal sense of what is important in life, what will help our children grow up to be responsible caring people, what really matters in the long term, rather than only in the short term?” The question is, “What are our values? Are those values contributing to our long term well-being and our children’s long term well-being?” and “Have we considered the impact that our choices make on our communities and the larger society?” “Do we take into consideration that ‘no one is an island,’ that our choices affect many other people, and that ultimately certain ways of living are unsustainable?” Those are the questions that move beyond the simplistic. Those are the questions that challenge us to be intentional about the way we live our lives, that challenge us to take into consideration the bigger picture, the longer term impacts, for individuals, families, and communities. Will you join me in asking them in your family? After all, what better time is there to ask them than at Thanksgiving or as we approach Christmas, Chanukah, and the New Year?

Monday, November 7, 2011

God's in the Details

Do you ever wonder whether you will get to the end of your “list?” You know the one – the one you have to keep or you will forget all the details of your life. The one that includes things like, get the oil changed, sign the permission slip, bring cookies to church, pay the bills, check whether the insurance is covering the medical bills correctly, check in on the investments, pick up the dry cleaning. My list has gotten so long that I don’t even like to look at it. And yet, if I don’t, too many things fall through the cracks. So, I keep adding to it. And once in a while I reorganize it. And at the beginning of each day I make decisions about what parts of that list I will invest in that day. But most of the time, I am just trying to get as much of the list done as possible in the time I allot to it so I can move on to the things that really matter in life. It doesn’t even seem realistic to think that I will ever get to the bottom of the almighty list. That I will ever complete everything on it.

Then there is the meaningful part of my life, the part I feel “Called” to, the part that makes me feel most alive, most connected to my deepest Source of meaning: my work, my daughter, singing at church, friendships, communing with nature, creating art. These are what I would rather be doing when I am getting tied up in knots over the details. These are what make life worth living. These put a smile on my face and love in my heart, as they say!

And the smile and love are definitely missing when cleaning the toilets, having teacher conferences, remembering to send the check to school for some event – you know the sorts of things. And because of losing touch with the Source of my being, I don’t always feel optimal, I don’t always behave well, and I don’t always treat people as people, or treat them well. I get irritated more easily. I get worried that I won’t finish the parts of the list I need to in the time I am willing to a lot to them. How about you? Sound familiar?

And so I wondered, shouldn’t God – or your higher power, or your values, or your deepest source of meaning -- be in the details too? Shouldn’t we be intentional about choosing the details, perhaps choosing only those that matter? After all, the people we encounter when trying to get our lists done are still people with feelings and lives and a sense of their own meaning. They don’t deserve to be treated as mere machines or objects capable only of contributing to our lists. Martin Buber spoke of an “I-Thou” relationship, one that values every human being we encounter, one that connects with others at a spiritual or meaning level regardless of the task at hand. And isn’t this what raises us above the animals? Isn’t this the very thing that makes us human?

So, what would happen if we treated everyone we encountered while completing our lists in this way? What would happen if we chose to bring God, as you understand the Source of your deepest meaning, into the details of our lists. What if we connected with that Source as we created the lists? What if we didn’t leave that Source behind no matter what we were doing?

I am imagining the results would be a better life! Less stress! More meaningful connections with those we care about! Less investment in things that don’t really matter! More caring and less wasted effort! More meaningful effort! And how can that not make our families and workplaces and schools and communities into better places, happier places, places that give back as much love as we put into them. Are you with me on this?