War Plus: Will the Big Issues Get Us Down?

Day after day, I read the newspaper articles on Gaza and Israel, and I ask myself, "What's the answer?" "What does an ethicist like myself have to say about such huge and long standing issues?" I ask myself, "What would I say if the politicos in Washington asked me for ethical input?" And I reply to myself, "Yes, but what do I know about politics? What do I know about how to prevent war, how to create peace, how to help countries get along with one another?" I will simply have to stick with what I do know, what I can do, and recognize that if I use all that I have, it will make a difference.

So, what do I know, and what can I do? What do you know, and what can you do? I have spent my career as a mental health professional, doing assessments and psychotherapy, and teaching graduate students to become counselors. What I know is how to help people heal from emotional struggles; how to help them to learn the life skills necessary for daily life, for success in school and work, for raising a family; and how to help them figure out and reach for their dreams. And I know that the world is a better place for the changes created when people grow in these ways. The world around the people I have helped is a more peaceful place. It is a more positive place. It is a place with healthier, less damaging relationships. It is a place where people can trust one another because they know that they have each communicated clearly and honestly with one another. It is a place where when conflict arises, they can trust that the other will work with them to clear it up, rather than disappearing or hating or stirring up trouble. And if I can't solve the war in the middle east, isn't it better to know that there at least some people who are living in greater peace, who are raising their children in a more loving environment, who are following their "call", and so are contributing to the world in some positive way?

What I also know is how to write and teach and develop curricula. And so I write this blog, and write virtue newsletters, and write books on life skills and character and optimal development. And I teach adjunct classes and continuing education classes, developing new curricula as the need arises. And if I can persuade those who read and who are students that "positive psychology" (that is, aiming for mental health, aiming for the best, encouraging optimal development, investing in becoming and creating people of character with strong ethical decision making skills) has value, then perhaps they too will take it out into the world with them, and will assist their clients and students and business partners and family members that being people of character matters. Perhaps they will become persuaded that investing in the "spirit" of life, in the "higher" things of life, makes a difference. Perhaps they will spread the news that if we each aim for the optimal in caring and trustworthiness and responsibility and courage and wisdom and fairness and respect and citizenship, if we take little steps each day, that we can create a better world around us, and that what is "better" will spread and keep on spreading, like the ripples that begin with a mere drop of water.

But it takes intention and inspiration and perhaps spirit to live out what I know, where I am, and to not despair over how short it falls. It takes courage to believe that if I live my life in integrity, if I intentionally aim for the best character, even when I can get away with less, if I encourage the children and parents that I see at school and church and Girl Scouts to do the same, that others will also be motivated to do the same, and that the "good" will spread. It takes trust that others will be just as concerned and motivated as I am, and that we can lean on one another, that we can encourage one another, and that this team effort can transform our schools and families and communities.

But if we don't have the courage to fully live into what we know, where we are, what hope is there? What other options do we have if we want things like wars in Gaza to end, people in the frozen north of the former Soviet Union countries to have access to oil to heat their homes, and the crime ridden neighborhoods around us to become safe?

Will you join me in saying that you will take the risk to invest in your own character and to support your family members and friends and co workers to invest in character? I believe Obama when he says that if we all join together, "Yes, we can" make a difference.

From Science to Humanity

Isn’t it interesting that in these days of doing with less, we seem to be reevaluating what really matters? Isn’t it amazing that at a time when we wonder if we will have houses to live in, or when the next paycheck will arrive, we are giving more to those in need? It seems that, in response to the unethical, and, in some cases, outright illegal behavior of our leaders, we are focusing more on ethics, on doing the right thing, on how our society has declined morally, and on what’s needed to turn things around. We seem to be emphasizing community more, and in doing so, emulating our European and Latino neighbors -- that is, relatives and friends are moving in together. Children are living at home for longer. Bartering is seen more frequently.

But perhaps the greatest shock is that the field to which we attribute the greatest fault in this financial crisis – economics – is, according to David Brooks of the New York Times, retreating from its rational, scientific base, and “taking baby steps into the world of emotion, social relationships, imagination, love and virtue.” The old notion that economics and business and such are about making as much money as possible by any means possible, the commitment to putting the almighty dollar first, above all else, may actually be dying a slow death. As Brooks points out, Adam Smith was a moral philosopher. Keynes saw economics as a moral science, dealing with “motives, expectations, psychological uncertainties.” So much for taking the emotion and humanity out of the economic world!

Of course, those in the religious, spiritual, and psychological worlds have always advocated for keeping humanity and spirituality in our daily life and workings. Anyone who has participated in a spiritual or religious community has at least heard about virtue and “the good” and optimal ways to live life -- usually life with God or life empowered by God. Of course, people in these communities reflect on these words or live them out to different degrees. In some of these communities, sin or hell or lack of God is emphasized as a means of getting people to choose something better.

In the psychological or mental health world, virtue or the development of mental health is rarely the focus – although “wellness” in the counseling field and “positive psychology” in psychology are currently getting more airtime. Instead, people who involve themselves with mental health professionals are usually motivated to get help or to “fix” something in their lives by emotional pain or relationship struggle. And mental health professionals themselves are, for the most part, also primarily focused on reducing pain and struggle – after all, insurance companies don’t pay for developing joy or gratitude or other virtues. Occasionally, in this world, people pursue or offer parenting groups or some form of positive mental health education in order to promote life skills or to get better in doing life or relationships.

But it seems that most of the time we are motivated by pain or crises or “fires” that need to be put out. Is that all that is happening now? Are the observations listed above reflective of true transformation or will we merely resume our lives of “automaticity” once the financial crisis is over? Will we use the crisis as the impetus to shift to a whole new way of viewing the world and our society? Or will we return to plugging away at whatever is in front of us, believing the “money first” aspirations of our boss or business colleagues? Will we rise to the challenge and become more reflective and intentional about the way we live our lives, more aware of the larger, longer term picture, more concerned with how we can live together in peace, ensure that everyone has enough, and preserve our environment for our children and grandchildren? Or not – it seems that there is a fork in the road before us. Will we take “the one less traveled on?”

War Plus: Will the Big Issues Get Us Down? (June 2009)

Day after day, I read the newspaper articles on Gaza and Israel, and I ask myself, "What's the answer?" "What does an ethicist like myself have to say about such huge and long standing issues?" I ask myself, "What would I say if the politicos in Washington asked me for ethical input?" And I reply to myself, "Yes, but what do I know about politics? What do I know about how to prevent war, how to create peace, how to help countries get along with one another?" I will simply have to stick with what I do know, what I can do, and recognize that if I use all that I have, it will make a difference.

So, what do I know, and what can I do? What do you know, and what can you do? I have spent my career as a mental health professional, doing assessments and psychotherapy, and teaching graduate students to become counselors. What I know is how to help people heal from emotional struggles; how to help them to learn the life skills necessary for daily life, for success in school and work, for raising a family; and how to help them figure out and reach for their dreams. And I know that the world is a better place for the changes created when people grow in these ways. The world around the people I have helped is a more peaceful place. It is a more positive place. It is a place with healthier, less damaging relationships. It is a place where people can trust one another because they know that they have each communicated clearly and honestly with one another. It is a place where when conflict arises, they can trust that the other will work with them to clear it up, rather than disappearing or hating or stirring up trouble. And if I can't solve the war in the middle east, isn't it better to know that there at least some people who are living in greater peace, who are raising their children in a more loving environment, who are following their "call", and so are contributing to the world in some positive way?

What I also know is how to write and teach and develop curricula. And so I write this blog, and write virtue newsletters, and write books on life skills and character and optimal development. And I teach adjunct classes and continuing education classes, developing new curricula as the need arises. And if I can persuade those who read and who are students that "positive psychology" (that is, aiming for mental health, aiming for the best, encouraging optimal development, investing in becoming and creating people of character with strong ethical decision making skills) has value, then perhaps they too will take it out into the world with them, and will assist their clients and students and business partners and family members that being people of character matters. Perhaps they will become persuaded that investing in the "spirit" of life, in the "higher" things of life, makes a difference. Perhaps they will spread the news that if we each aim for the optimal in caring and trustworthiness and responsibility and courage and wisdom and fairness and respect and citizenship, if we take little steps each day, that we can create a better world around us, and that what is "better" will spread and keep on spreading, like the ripples that begin with a mere drop of water.

But it takes intention and inspiration and perhaps spirit to live out what I know, where I am, and to not despair over how short it falls. It takes courage to believe that if I live my life in integrity, if I intentionally aim for the best character, even when I can get away with less, if I encourage the children and parents that I see at school and church and Girl Scouts to do the same, that others will also be motivated to do the same, and that the "good" will spread. It takes trust that others will be just as concerned and motivated as I am, and that we can lean on one another, that we can encourage one another, and that this team effort can transform our schools and families and communities.

But if we don't have the courage to fully live into what we know, where we are, what hope is there? What other options do we have if we want things like wars in Gaza to end, people in the frozen north of the former Soviet Union countries to have access to oil to heat their homes, and the crime ridden neighborhoods around us to become safe?

Will you join me in saying that you will take the risk to invest in your own character and to support your family members and friends and co workers to invest in character? I believe Obama when he says that if we all join together, "Yes, we can" make a difference.

Aiming for a Kinder, Gentler Nation (April 2009)

Today, I attended an event on the Stigma of Mental Illness. I was struck by the damage that is caused by labels, by talking about people behind their backs, and by failing to be the loving, caring people that we have the ability to be. No one at this event was defining mental illness - I suppose we were all putting our own definitions into the pictures being created by the speaker. But participants seemed to share openly about their experiences with depression, addiction, bipolar disorder (manic-depression), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and posttraumatic stress disorder.

The moderator, a well-known journalist in our area, reflected on how nice it was to be in a room full of people that she could talk openly with, that she could say, "I have alcoholism and bipolar disorder" without worrying about whether there would be a backlash. She had experienced a great deal of backlash in other settings, including where she worked, due to stigma. A teenager who grieved the death of her father also shared how hard it had been to tell her own mother that she was struggling emotionally. We all wondered if changing our language would help reduce the stigma - but it became clear that language changes would not be enough.

I shared my own struggles with what to do about a child-relative's disorder. As I told the group: "Her greatest fear is people knowing that she is different. If the other kids know she is different, they will make fun of her and will be mean to her. And so she keeps her struggles a secret." I proposed that we aim for creating mentally healthier environments for our children and for others, environments in which people demonstrate the character traits of caring, tenderness, respect, love, fairness, compassion, and sensitivity (please feel free to add to this list). Perhaps if we insisted that children in our schools behave with character, and taught them how, and rewarded them for achievement gained with character, my child-relative would not have to be so frightened about people knowing her fully, knowing about her "disorder."

My own ease with sharing openly about struggles or mental health issues in my family comes from being a therapist for many years. We therapists spend our lives talking about and relating to difficult emotions and life difficulties. We get comfortable with knowing the depths of people's pain, with knowing that their struggles are not dangerous to us, and with caring at deeper levels than the ordinary citizen might manage to do.

But the numbers of people who struggle, for various reasons - some chemical or physiological, some environmental -- means that most of the people that we encounter will, at some point in our interactions with them, be struggling. I am amazed at the "issues" faced by the parents I meet through my child's elementary school - we have learning disabilities, depression, anxiety, Ausberger's, family violence, and family alcoholism. Many children are in special programs or are receiving counseling. And yet the secretiveness continues.

I have often thought that if everyone knew everyone else's business, or if we passed around anonymous cards with everyone's struggles written on them, we would not be so judgmental. Everyone would know that they were not alone in their struggles; they could take turns being kind and reaching out to one another with support. The children and families that face these struggles need to connect with others who understand, who care, and who don't judge. They need to be relieved of the isolation that comes from fearing that if they share openly, they will be judged. They need to find others who can relate to them, and can offer resources or a kind word.

And perhaps if we all behaved in this way, people would actually heal! Wouldn't that be amazing? Or even if not fully healed, people might be more likely to seek and find the kind of help that could reduce or teach them to manage their symptoms. And they might be gathered into the warmth of a community that compensated for their difficulties (not everyone has to be good at everything) while acknowledging and making the most of their strengths and gifts - strengths and gifts that could compensate for some one else's limitations.

Fundamentally, I wonder why we tolerate schools, classrooms, businesses, colleges, service providers and other organizations and people who don't demonstrate the understanding and kindness that all of us need - if not always, then at certain key moments in our lives? Why do we sit back in our isolation, figuring that it isn't safe out there, so we will stick to ourselves, and not interact openly with anyone beyond the people we know well? Why do we say, "That's just the way s/he is," rather than recognizing when people are troubled and need us to care? Why do we stay disconnected and detached and pass the buck? Do we really believe that this will make our lives easier? Do we really believe that we are so powerless in creating better communities? Do we really think that we can get away with failing to be our "brother" or "sister's" keeper?

I am willing to commit myself, starting today, to intentionally looking for ways to build connections and to be more caring. Perhaps I will write a reminder on my phone's opening screen. Will you join me? What might happen if we each decided to do one more caring thing each day? Can we together aim for the optimal in our relationships with our neighbors, our coworkers, our teachers, our children, our relatives, our friends? And can we extend our circle of caring beyond that inner circle to those we meet on the street, in restaurants, or in stores? To those who clean our houses, mow our lawns, or fix our air conditioners? What are the possibilities if we all said, "Yes, we can!" to becoming a kinder and gentler nation?