When Leaders Struggle

Leaders are always supposed to be strong right? They are the ones who are up in front, leading the pack. Or behind the scenes, pushing us ahead. They are the ones who know best, who are the smartest, the best educated, who have the responsibility to ensure the well-being of those who follow. Leaders are the ones who focus the rest of us on what really matters, who think beyond the everyday to what’s most important. We sometimes think of them as super human. Is it any wonder that they fall? That they fail to live up to our expectations? That so many in recent years have crashed to the ground or into jail?

Leadership, once claimed or owned, is a tremendous responsibility. And these common perceptions and the pressure to maintain them may be so great, that if we ourselves become leaders, we may feel pressured to keep others from finding out our faults and our weaknesses. We may not want anyone to see that we really are no different from anyone else. After all, the least mistake, if it becomes public knowledge, can send us sprawling from our pedestal.

So what happens when leaders struggle? When the company is losing money? What happens when the customers just don’t seem to be there? When a child dies or a wife leaves? What happens when tragedies hit her family or his company? What happens when the building burns down, or the equipment kills an employee? What happens when he or she leads the people into battle, and they fail to succeed, and so there are many casualties?

The phrase, “It’s lonely at the top” comes to mind. The phrase, “We are all human” comes to mind. The question, “Who’s going to be the strong one now, the one to make the decisions while I struggle?” comes to mind. Company presidents, ministers, single parents, school principals – all must ask these questions some times. Maybe that’s why some people just don’t want to take on leadership responsibilities.

But what if we decided differently about leaders? What if we really believed that all of us are supposed to be leaders of someone or something? That we each have a “calling” to fulfill, and that fulfilling that “calling” is so important to someone or some group that it makes us a leader when we are living out that capacity. Dennis Bakke, co-founder and CEO of Imagine Schools and founder and former CEO of AES Corporation, believed this perspective to be so important that he considered Joy at Work (the title of his book) to be possible only when people were in charge of something, when they were decision makers. He built a company around expecting everyone to be in charge of decisions – rather than considering himself to be the main decision maker. The Bible talks about “spiritual gifts,” those that God has called us to live out. When we fully live out these gifts, we are serving a special and important role in the church, a role that no one else can fill. We are “leading” when we are fulfilling that role. But that gift or those roles are God given, God empowered. And because all in the church are “called” to some role, all gifts are equally important if the church is to function as God intends.

Whether everyone shares this spiritual perspective or not, or whether we believe that churches are succeeding at this biblical mandate, might it not be a useful metaphor for companies and other organizations? That is, the person who looks most important, who has the most visible responsibilities, who speaks the most, or who is most intelligent would not be considered more important than the one who keeps the computers running, or the one who ensures that the sick receive their benefits. The whole organization would be made up of “essential functions” or roles that would be filled by people who were most gifted or suited to those roles. And “suited” would mean more than whether we were educated for the role or had held a similar role before. It would mean that we experienced a heart, soul, and mind “calling” toward that role. It would mean that we felt most fulfilled when carrying out that role.

Because everyone’s role would be essential to the functioning of the whole, we would be paying attention to people’s gifts and encouraging them to discover their talents. We would be helping them to develop those talents, and holding their hands when they were discouraged. We would invest heavily in the people around us; in developing their strengths; in asking for their input and support. We would have no justification for considering anyone more important than anyone else, because for the whole organization to operate best, everyone would have to be operating at their best. Or given that we would accept that no one is infallible, we would create systems for filling in and helping out those who were temporarily “dys” functional.

And best of all for the person with the formal title of leader, someone’s role would be “caring for,” supporting, restoring, and “being there” for the more visible leader, rather than the leader having to keep up appearances, trying to look strong when she wasn’t feeling it. The person in the role at the top wouldn’t have to fake it, but would have a coach to continually support him, challenge him to grow and become; someone to lean on when needed. What if, instead of leaders considering themselves better than others, or as having more rights, or as smarter, or more capable, or more responsible, or [feel free to fill in the blank], they instead saw themselves as servants. I remember a book called “Servant Leadership” – I think this was exactly its point.

A Message from Harry Potter

So, my daughter is reading the Harry Potter series AGAIN! Not sure how many times this makes it. But she has been pretty regularly re-reading them for the last 6 years, and can now recite key passages. Should I worry? And, of course, she wants me to read them – again.

As I have reluctantly begun to comply with her wishes, I am struck by two things that are relevant to this column, to surviving in this world, and to leadership. First, people who have been mistreated have a very difficult time feeling good about themselves, even in the face of a great deal of evidence that counters the messages of those who have mistreated them. Harry Potter is supposed to save the world. He has all of these powers. And yet, he lives in fear that it will all be taken away from him, that the bad guys will win, and that the Dursley’s (the aunt and uncle who mistreated him for years after his parents were killed) will be right after all: that he is nothing. Does this sound familiar? Do you identify with these feelings? Do you know people who can identify with his fears?

Second, often people find relief from the results of mistreatment, or just from the difficulties of the world, from a spiritual source. For some, that means a personal relationship with God. For others, it means investing in the “higher” things of life, however they define these. For still others it means finding some meaning or “calling” in life, something that serves an important purpose in the world, and that brings them great personal joy. When they become clear about their spiritual meanings or callings, people can say to the Dursleys and the Slytherins of the world, “I am somebody! I have been created to do something worthwhile! I love what I am doing! And you can never take that away from me!” And so, up from the ashes of their former existence rises a new life of joy and fulfillment. And, even when the world (or the Dursley’s or the Slytherins) try to take it away, they can call on their inner or spiritual resources to fight back and say, “NO!”

Third, wouldn’t it be great if leaders keep these things in mind, for themselves and for those they lead? Wouldn’t it be great if they healed their own hurts by calling on some deeper meanings or sources of spiritual solace (rather than taking their hurts out on those who have less power)? Wouldn’t it be great if they believed that each of their people had a special purpose or “calling” in the world, and made the effort to match that purpose or calling with organizational needs, so the organization could benefit from the best that their people had to offer?

Eventually, Harry Potter finds his personal (and magical) strength, and he regularly saves his friends. He is, after all, the only one who can defeat “he who shall not be named." Just so, each of us are the only ones who can fill (fulfill?) our own special place in the universe with meaning and purpose. And if we are leaders, shouldn’t that mean helping our people to do the same?

A Tribute to Hal

My friend Hal is the kind of leader I would like to be – or at least he has character traits that I aim to learn from. He is kind, sensitive, funny, and makes connections with people and with leadership principles by using magic tricks and experiential activities. We compared Myers Briggs types, and he is the exact opposite of me – my ENTJ to his INFP, for those who are familiar with the “types.” That’s why I asked him to team up with me in facilitating some leadership training recently. Creativity experts talk about the need for difference in group members, in environments, in senses accessed, and so on, if people are to generate creative and innovative solutions to problems. And I knew that those I was training would benefit from our differences.

And yet, there are many things that join us together, regardless of our differences and the benefits of “gifts differing.” And when Hal was recently felled by a major health tragedy, it was hard not to feel his and his family’s pain deep in the center of who I am. After all, we are both in business for ourselves. We are both trainers. We are both about the same age. We are both vulnerable to the vagaries of health, the economic climate, and many other things beyond our control. We are both humans who inhabit the same community. It escapes me how people can find their way out of such holes of vulnerability without appealing to something higher than themselves, however they define it. I certainly have, this week, called out for that Higher Power. Called out for a strength greater than my own.

And I know that the families of those shot in Aurora and Wisconsin are doing the same at this moment. As are Hal and his family. In fact, the maxim “Behind every good man is a good woman” comes to mind as I consider Hal and his wife’s current journey. The notion that “no one is an island” and that we all need one another takes central stage as I consider the shootings. And it brings me to the thought that we all need to be focused on what is really important in life, reaching for the best of what we have to offer, because we never know when our greatest strength or kindness will be needed. In fact, one wonders if there is ever a time that it is not needed. If we are not noticing the need, perhaps we are not opening our eyes!

And yesterday, I watched great strength and kindness in Hal’s wife. A gentle, tender, wise, hopeful woman whom most of us could do well to emulate. A woman tuned in to her husband’s needs of the moment. A woman reaching out to her husband’s community to inform them, trusting them to care and to do the right thing. A woman ready to do whatever is necessary. A woman who has created a loving family that is also gathering around Hal. A woman of faith – who will need great support in this time of tremendous challenge.

And I think, “Can any of us really afford not to aim toward being like this woman?” If we look around at our world, can we really accept that love and hope and encouragement and other character traits are not essential and needed in every moment of every day? Shouldn’t we take a little time each day to figure out how we can aspire to the higher? To our better selves? To what’s optimal – instead of the minimum necessary? I know that tragedies make me rethink these things. What about you? What will you do with the pain and tragedy around you? Will you join me in investing energy in love and joy and faith and kindness and . . . . ? Well, you get my point!

Spirit-Care for Leaders

• Do you ever feel as though you have lost your zip?
• Do you wonder where you will get the energy to do what needs to be done tomorrow?
• Do you wonder how you can inspire your people when you feel so uninspired yourself?
• Might you be thinking about a LONG vacation, from which you never return?

There is a good deal of talk in the mental health world about the need for self-care – for relaxation, for supportive friends to talk difficulties over with, for addressing emotional issues that may be hanging on from childhood. We also see articles or hear from experts who tout the wonders of regular exercise and healthy meals and various supplements or herbs. And everyone speaks of the need for downtime, for relationship time, for balanced living.

And yet, sometimes high-powered people think they are immune. They work smarter, think more quickly, organize efficiently, have money to pay others do the routine, dull parts of life. And then they aren’t. And then the illness hits. Or their spouse leaves. Or their kid gets arrested. And then they lose their zip. And then they wonder what life is about.

I think many forget to seek out the “spirit” in life. Now don’t get wiggy – I am not going to “god” talk you, or tell you to go back to church or listen to your mother. I’m not going to suggest that you get “saved” or to read your Bible more. Unless, perhaps, you already know that you need to do these things.

But, I do think that leaders with considerable power can confuse themselves with God – sitting up on a pedestal and expecting things of themselves that no human being should expect. I do think that leaders can forget the balance of power,  that the world operates better when people shoulder responsibilities together, when everyone takes on their share, and follows their particular “calling.” I do think that leaders can forget their calling, their joy, that which gives meaning to their lives. And they do so at their own peril!

So, what about you? What would it take to reclaim a place among us mere mortals? What would it take to expect a reasonable amount of yourself? What would it take to stop playing God, or to reclaim a place that is somewhere between incompetent and your God aspirations? What would the people in your life have to do to persuade you to share a little vulnerability, to connect with the little people, to receive life and love and “spiritual food” from other people? What would it take to receive from Something or Someone “higher” than yourself?

Perhaps no one else can answer that question for you. But many of us have answered it for ourselves. And we have learned that we and the people around us do much better when we reclaim a place in the universe that is made for us, rather than aspiring out of pride to something that we can never reach: godhood!

Becoming a Leader

We often think of leaders as people with particular traits, with particular needs to be up in front, to guide others, or to offer some talent that they alone have. And it is true that some people have those needs. Others advance in job or social situations to positions where they are expected to provide leadership whether they feel these needs or not. We see these people up in front. We expect of them some special skills that we might not expect of ourselves.

But, in fact, aren’t we all supposed to be leaders? Of something or someone? That is, aren’t we all supposed to have some influence on the world for good? From a spiritual point of view, we all have gifts or “callings” that we are to use in some way to positively affect the world. And isn’t that the same as “leading” someone or some group or some situation toward “the good?” The gifts of the Spirit noted in the Christian Bible include wisdom (giving wise advice), knowledge (studying and teaching), faith, prophesying, serving, teaching, preaching, administration, giving comfort, generosity with money earned, healing, prophecy, miraculous powers, discrimination between spirits, speaking in or interpreting different languages (see Romans 12 and I Corinthians 12). Other spiritualities or faiths may name other gifts or talents. But most believe that we have a responsibility in the world to make a positive difference by using the gifts we have received. And doesn’t this mean we become role models, influencing people toward what is right? Doesn’t that make us leaders or healers or change creators – if only by enacting our own giftedness?

In fact, haven’t we all heard of people who made remarkable differences in the lives of those around them, in their work environments, in their communities without ever having to get up in front? They may have influenced from the background. From a quiet counseling room or as a tutor of a young child or from getting all of the administrative tasks out of the way so that a preacher could preach or a youth leader direct.

I think we make mistakes when we expect leaders to be strong people of bravado, and when we opt out of leading because we are not brave or do not like to stand up in front. I think those to whom we assign leadership get the wrong message when we expect them to always be in charge, to always be confident in front of a crowd, or to always strongly assert themselves in difficult situations. I think we let ourselves and many other gifted people off the hook when we opt out of leadership – as though we are saying, you have to look strong, stand tall, and be assertive and confident in order to make a difference. The pressure that those strong, tall, assertive people then feel is to always be right, to always speak up, to always know THE truth or THE way to go. And who can live up to such expectations?

In fact, some of the best leaders have been introverts, quiet people who have triggered the strengths of those around them. They have listened first. They have asked questions and gathered experts around them – and expected those experts to behave as experts. They have known they are not always right, and have considered the answers that groups develop to be better than those they create themselves. They have been quiet and unassuming – but have recognized and supported and built the strengths of others.

Doesn’t this let those of us in traditional leadership roles off the hook a bit? Doesn’t it put the focus somewhere else for once? Might it not, in some cases, recognize that Someone else is in charge, and we are all merely servants? And doesn’t it put the responsibility right where it ought to be – with Someone who knows how to do it? With Someone who led by dying? With Someone who didn’t approach the world with bravado, but with humility? 

I know I frequently forget who my Someone is, and think I am supposed to be in the director’s chair. Then I fail to tune into those around me who, in particular situations, are called to lead me. Who is your Someone, and how will you humble yourself to allow Him or Her to lead? Who in your cadre of important folks might lead you? Or whose leadership might you support? Imagine the positive change that could emerge in our world if we actively sought to encourage the leadership and giftedness of those around us!

Centering on your Super Power

• Do you ever feel as though there is so much on your desk that you simply can’t find your joy at work?
• Do you ever wonder why you got into this work in the first place?
• Do you ask yourself why you wanted to be a leader or a professional or a (fill in the blank) anyway?
• Do you wonder if the quality of your work is suffering because of this ongoing sense of “overwhelmed-ness” or “powerless-ness” or “not-getting-ahead-ness?”

Enter Wonder Worker!!!!!! 

Oh yeah, those mythical creatures, those “Avengers,” don’t really exist, do they. It is always nice to think that someone with more power than we have will swoop in to rescue us, and will save the day. It is always helpful to imagine that someone else knows better than we do. That someone else has this thing figured out! That someone else has that expertise we need. 

And maybe that is true, although that expertise doesn’t seem likely to be of the “super power” variety.

Unless you believe in God –Perhaps God won’t just swoop in and rescue us. But perhaps reconnecting with our Higher Power can help us access some of that power. At a minimum, and perhaps more likely, perhaps reconnecting will bring us some wisdom, and hope, and a reconnection with what really matters. Perhaps it will give us perspective, which can make all the difference in our emotional state.

Even those who don’t believe in God generally have some center of meaning in their lives. 

·         So, what is yours?

• How will you connect?
• What gives value to your life?
• What are you invested in?
• What makes life worth living?
• Where is that “center” for your life that keeps everything in balance?
• How will you reconnect?

Perhaps you can draw a picture of that “Center of Meaning,” take some time to meditate on and visualize its role in your life, and then:

• Draw around it all of the other things that are pulling you away from your Center.
• Draw them as they are or as what they feel like now.
• And then draw them as you would like them to be.
• Now close your eyes and visualize moving them into position around your Center of Meaning, into the positions that you would like them to be, or that your Higher Power might like them to be. Breathe deeply, and go back to work refreshed and operating from a different place.

The Leader’s Character and Impact: Inextricably Tied Together

• Are you having the impact you want to have as a leader?
• Is your team operating at top productivity?
• Are you clear on how to lead others?
• Do you have a clear idea about what you are leading toward?

If you answered yes to these questions, then perhaps you can skip to another article. But if you are not sure, or if you need a refresher, or if you envy the results of other leaders, then read on!

I personally have held many leadership positions. And I am pretty sure I have done a poor job at times. In fact, I think that most times I was only a leader by virtue of being willing to take on responsibility when others were not. Now that I regularly conduct leadership training, I am shocked at how many people rise to leadership positions because of longevity in their professional positions and how few educational or professional training programs teach people what to do when they do rise become leaders. 

What is also somewhat of a shock is that most of the life skills, the soft skills, that mental health professionals teach, when they reach beyond remediating mental illness, are actually what leaders need to know. Consider this list of leadership training topics:

• Creative Problem Solving
• Creativity and Innovation
• Communication Skills
• Conflict Resolution Skills
• How to Build a Team
• Influencing Skills
• Building Resilience
• Change Management
• Taking Care of Ourselves During Change

While I am sure that there are many other abilities that leaders need, what is really impressive is the apparent need for leaders to learn more than their “content expertise” in order to lead or manage people well. What also impresses me is that each item on the list includes the need for good character. However great I am at computers (or nursing, or finance or laying tile or building widgits), if I want to lead my people, they need to know that

• they can trust me
• I have their best interests at heart
• I have their backs
• I will regularly talk with them – about their work/needs and about what’s going on in the company
• I will not sell them out
• I will work just as hard as they will and will do my best
• I will tell the truth
• I will expect them to do their best at what they are best at
• I will consult them in areas of their expertise, and not exclude them
• I will know enough about their personal and work needs to support them.

In other words, if I am not having the desired impact as a leader, perhaps I need to ask myself if, in addition to the skills of my profession, I am exercising the following character traits:

• Trustworthiness
• Integrity
• Perseverance
• Appreciation
• Kindness
• Determination
• Trust
• Self-Control
• Transparency
• Openmindedness
• Kindness
• Responsibility
• Authenticity
• Respect
• Fairness
• Humility
• Generosity
• Gratitude