Faith Makes All the Difference!

Cal Thomas in the Denver Post asks a very important question, “What difference does faith make?” He asks this question as a challenge to those who would make faith a central issue in the political discourse. And by the end of the article, he suggests that we should keep the realms of the earthly and heavenly kingdoms separate when it comes to presidential politics.

And yet . . . in all realms of life, politics included, my answer to his question, ”What difference does faith make?” is, “Faith makes all the difference!” It inspires us, challenges us to reach for what’s ultimate or optimal, strengthens us in difficult times, guides us in others, challenges us to live in caring ways toward ourselves, others, and our physical world. Just because we humans are not perfect and get it wrong at least as often as we get it right doesn’t mean that faith is to blame! Just because we can’t figure out how to manage in helpful ways the many different faiths living next door to one another doesn’t mean that faith is wrong or unhelpful or irrelevant! It merely means that we are fallible humans on a journey that is not yet complete. We haven’t figured it all out yet. We regularly do damage even when we intend to do good! And presidential candidates are no exception. They are no more perfect than the rest of us!

Perhaps if we quit running from faith and faced it head on, we would realize that faith is part of every facet of our lives. We can close our eyes to it, but it won’t go away. We choose on a daily basis what we believe in, what will guide our lives, what values are worth investing in, what our lives will be about. We can make those choices intentionally or they will “happen” unintentionally. We regularly have faith in one another – trusting others to show up at appointments when they say they will; trusting manufacturers to create quality products; trusting service providers to perform well what we pay them to do; trusting teachers to teach well, parents to parent well, and so on. And if they don’t, we let our feet do the talking!

In the political realm, we let our votes do the talking. We listen to the rhetoric, we listen to the arguments, we listen to what people stand for – including their religious and philosophical and political perspectives – and we decide who we will vote for. And even when we are prayerful and intentional about these choices, even when we seek wisdom or guidance from what is Ultimate or Infinite, we sometimes get it wrong. And our politicians sometimes get it wrong as well.

Ultimately, our faith has to be in something higher than mere humans. Initiating regular conversations about faith ought to come from hearts that believe faith will ultimately save us – and we ought to be encouraging one another to grow in that faith. Perhaps that loving approach to encouraging one another and inspiring one another ought to replace the condemnation and vilification of those whose faiths and behaviors differ from our own. Perhaps we need to get ourselves out of the way and let the One(s) in whom we believe carry the day!

War Plus: Will the Big Issues Get Us Down?

Day after day, I read the newspaper articles on Gaza and Israel, and I ask myself, "What's the answer?" "What does an ethicist like myself have to say about such huge and long standing issues?" I ask myself, "What would I say if the politicos in Washington asked me for ethical input?" And I reply to myself, "Yes, but what do I know about politics? What do I know about how to prevent war, how to create peace, how to help countries get along with one another?" I will simply have to stick with what I do know, what I can do, and recognize that if I use all that I have, it will make a difference.

So, what do I know, and what can I do? What do you know, and what can you do? I have spent my career as a mental health professional, doing assessments and psychotherapy, and teaching graduate students to become counselors. What I know is how to help people heal from emotional struggles; how to help them to learn the life skills necessary for daily life, for success in school and work, for raising a family; and how to help them figure out and reach for their dreams. And I know that the world is a better place for the changes created when people grow in these ways. The world around the people I have helped is a more peaceful place. It is a more positive place. It is a place with healthier, less damaging relationships. It is a place where people can trust one another because they know that they have each communicated clearly and honestly with one another. It is a place where when conflict arises, they can trust that the other will work with them to clear it up, rather than disappearing or hating or stirring up trouble. And if I can't solve the war in the middle east, isn't it better to know that there at least some people who are living in greater peace, who are raising their children in a more loving environment, who are following their "call", and so are contributing to the world in some positive way?

What I also know is how to write and teach and develop curricula. And so I write this blog, and write virtue newsletters, and write books on life skills and character and optimal development. And I teach adjunct classes and continuing education classes, developing new curricula as the need arises. And if I can persuade those who read and who are students that "positive psychology" (that is, aiming for mental health, aiming for the best, encouraging optimal development, investing in becoming and creating people of character with strong ethical decision making skills) has value, then perhaps they too will take it out into the world with them, and will assist their clients and students and business partners and family members that being people of character matters. Perhaps they will become persuaded that investing in the "spirit" of life, in the "higher" things of life, makes a difference. Perhaps they will spread the news that if we each aim for the optimal in caring and trustworthiness and responsibility and courage and wisdom and fairness and respect and citizenship, if we take little steps each day, that we can create a better world around us, and that what is "better" will spread and keep on spreading, like the ripples that begin with a mere drop of water.

But it takes intention and inspiration and perhaps spirit to live out what I know, where I am, and to not despair over how short it falls. It takes courage to believe that if I live my life in integrity, if I intentionally aim for the best character, even when I can get away with less, if I encourage the children and parents that I see at school and church and Girl Scouts to do the same, that others will also be motivated to do the same, and that the "good" will spread. It takes trust that others will be just as concerned and motivated as I am, and that we can lean on one another, that we can encourage one another, and that this team effort can transform our schools and families and communities.

But if we don't have the courage to fully live into what we know, where we are, what hope is there? What other options do we have if we want things like wars in Gaza to end, people in the frozen north of the former Soviet Union countries to have access to oil to heat their homes, and the crime ridden neighborhoods around us to become safe?

Will you join me in saying that you will take the risk to invest in your own character and to support your family members and friends and co workers to invest in character? I believe Obama when he says that if we all join together, "Yes, we can" make a difference.

Beyond “Dr. No” to “Dr. Yes”

Leonard Pitts of the Miami Herald wrote an article this week with the above title. In it, he spoke about Michael Jackson, about the fame and power Jackson wielded that made it difficult to say “no” to him. In fact, says Pitts, if his doctor had said “no,” Michael would still be alive.

But beyond the illegalities of drug addiction and excessive spending and inviting children into your bed, isn’t it also true that we need either an internal or an external “Dr. No” if we are to behave in accordance with positive values? If we look carefully at the times in which we have crossed over an ethical boundary, hasn’t it been because we wanted a “yes” and we were going to take it however we could?

Perhaps it was a “yes” to paying less taxes, or a “yes” to having a bigger car or a bigger house, or a “yes” to going out on a Friday or Saturday night when our spouse didn’t want us to, or a “yes” to eating just a little more dessert, or a “yes” . . . well, you continue the thinking as it might best apply to your life.

Beyond personal “yeses,” perhaps the auto industry said “yes” one too many times to those in power rather than those who many years ago could have created better and more fuel efficient cars. Perhaps the mortgage brokers said “yes” to one too many loans that they shouldn’t have. Perhaps the bankers said “yes” to too many risky investments or income increasing strategies. It seems clear that, in these situations, as with Michael, the failure to say “no” has damaged the very core of our society and our trust.

We seem to understand, if we are parents or other adults who work with children, that children need clear limits in order to learn right from wrong. They need parents who will serve as “Dr. No’s.” They need someone outside of themselves saying, “Here is the limit of what is right. When you step over this line, you will have stepped into a danger zone, either for yourself, for someone else, or for property.”

We are supposed to eventually grow out of the need for external controls. We are supposed to internalize our parents’ or our society’s messages about right and wrong, how to decide among options, and how to choose what’s best for ourselves, for those we love, for our organizations or communities, and for the physical world around us.

Sometimes tragic circumstances hinder our development. And sometimes issues are very complex, and require carefully weighing of benefits and harms to determine what the best choices might be.

But sometimes, we just want what we want when we want it. And if we can get away with it, we sometimes just take what we want when we want it. And sometimes we feel guilty. And sometime we don’t. Sometimes we say, “It isn’t hurting anyone.” And sometimes we realize that harm is happening. The harm is just to someone or something “out there,” where we have no personal connections to the people who might be hurt, where no one can connect the misbehavior to us. Sometimes we figure that whatever harms happen, they will be to people that we don’t know or care about, or to a world many years in the future when we are no longer alive. Such an attitude takes a toll on our souls, on our beliefs about ourselves, on our sense of self-worth, our sense that we are good and valuable people.

But I think that “Dr. No” doesn’t go far enough. I think we need to get to a “Dr. Yes.” Sure, as people and as a society, we need to say “no” to greed and mistreatment of others and breaking the law. But plenty of research and stories tell us that merely focusing on what not to do doesn’t get us where we want to go. People don’t like to be told “No,” and so they rebel and try to find any way they can to get around it. But even those who rebel at “no” can be inspired toward “yes.” We need to aspire toward becoming “Dr. Yeses.”

Dr. Yes points us toward what is good and healthy and positive in ourselves, in other people, in our institutions, and in our communities. Dr. Yes doesn’t rely on the sensationalism of crime and dastardly deeds to get our attention, but instead tries to draw attention to businesses that treat their employees well, schools that educate well, and people who contribute to their communities. Dr. Yes buys advertising in programs that advocate for what is best in our people and our communities. Dr. Yes boycotts products and companies that harm people and the environment. Dr. Yes encourages people to be the best that they can be, rather than stopping at minimal requirements. Dr. Yes, urges people to aim continually upward, toward personal and family and community growth. Dr. Yes holds up character traits and behaviors, like integrity and tolerance and caring and responsibility and wisdom and courage, that we can aspire toward. Dr. Yes says we can always aim upward toward something better and we should never stop trying, that we never really arrive, that personal, moral, ethical, interpersonal growth is a lifelong endeavor. Dr. Yes looks for the possibilities of who we can become, and believes that we are better people than we know. While Dr. No may always be necessary to ensure a certain minimum, Dr. Yes holds possibilities for transformation – of ourselves, our families, our communities, and the world. Won’t you become a “Dr. Yes?” If we all become “Dr. Yeses,” I believe we have the power to change the world.

Lower Case or Upper Case Morality

In his article, “The moral naturalists” (explanations for lower case letters to come), David Brooks points to research that points to a sense of right and wrong that we are born with and learn very early. Even “lower” animals such as rats and monkeys learn to cooperate. It seems that we have “natural receptors that help us recognize fairness and cruelty,” and we show preferences for goodness and fairness from infancy. Social norms, evidently, “fall upon prepared ground. We come equipped to learn fairness and other virtues.” Those who behave morally seem to do it because they are “more sensitive to other people’s points of view” and better at “anticipating and reading other people’s pain.” What researchers seem to be identifying as a moral sense is one that values such virtues as cohesion, cooperation, and empathy. However, Brooks complains that researchers’ perspective on morality seems to be “lower case” and that it might not satisfy “those who want their morality to be awesome, formidable, transcendent, or great.”

I find myself asking the following questions in response: If morality is inborn and starts so early, what happens along the way that people let go of it and allow themselves to choose such immoral behaviors? What do we have to do to encourage people to continue caring about the group, about other people’s pain, about respect and empathy and responsibility and courage (those lower case virtues)? Why are we seeing so many fall from grace? Fall from honesty and integrity? Right into our prisons. When will people understand that a lack of trust is the greatest risk to our society, to our psychological wellness, to our safety, and to our financial well being?

Personally, it is the “awesome, formidable, transcendent, or great” that motivates me. Without a powerful faith, my fears would overwhelm me and persuade me to take the easy, safe, and perhaps less than honest or kind path. That faith keeps me moving along the path toward greater character, remedying my faults, and striving for what’s optimal (believing that it is only possible with help from Beyond). Many of the people that I collaborate with on character issues also find their motivation in the “awesome, formidable, transcendent, or great.” So I ask the question – must we have “the awesome, formidable, transcendent, or great” to move us out of our moral depravity? Does it take something grand and holy to persuade us, to enable us to live differently?

If so, then the approach I have been using in the Eriksen Institute for Ethics is likely to fail. That is, I figured, given the clear relationships between our economic recession and the unethical behavior of mortgage and financial institutions, and given the clear relationships between long term profitability and developing an organizational culture centered on aspirational values, that businesses and other organizations would be hopping right in line to fully infuse aspirational values from top to bottom. I figured that because of the clear ethical needs in our society, we could, without calling on the “awesome, formidable, transcendent, or great,” feel justified in advocating for business ethics. We could justify our demands or expectations that businesses and corporations live according to a basic set of aspirational values without having a discussion of religion or faith or. . . you get my drift.

And yet, we seem to be a people who respond to crisis. We seem to need it to break through our inertia. If Haiti and the Gulf oil spill and a war in the middle east and an economic crisis can’t get organizations to put values first, then perhaps we really do need the “awesome, formidable, transcendent, or great” to empower our efforts. However, I personally have found that when I daily think the “lower case” morality, how to be more loving or kind or trusting or responsible, I feel less defensive and more willing to grow and work on myself. I believe that, despite a life time of the “awesome, formidable, transcendent, or great,” I am a better person from having, for a few short years, invested in “lower case” morality. Do we need to require people to take the larger plunge into the “awesome, formidable, transcendent, or great?” Or might they be more willing to begin with the smaller steps, with the “lower case?”

Virtue vs. Vanity

Here we are in the New Year, a new decade, a time that most of us hope will be better than the last couple of years. If you are like me, you have either thought about New Year’s resolutions, are avoiding thinking about them, or are wondering when you will find the time to carefully consider what you want your life to look like in the New Year.

But whatever state your resolutions are in, what are your thoughts about how to decide what you will aim for? Will you decide on “fixing” areas of your life that are in disarray? Will you decide to become something that you are not? Will you let vanity overwhelm values? Or do you have other strategies?

I ask these questions because of what our resolutions typically look like. I have heard many people aspire to lose 20 pounds; to get in shape; to buy the new car they’ve dreamt about; to get the mess in their house cleaned up; to make $1,000,000; to change jobs; to get the big promotion. . . . Well, you get my drift. Is it any wonder that we hear over and over again how few people actualize their resolutions?

Could it be that whatever needs fixing can’t be fixed with just a decision, that some depth work, some digging is needed to recover from past experiences? Could it be that we are aiming for something that has little real worth, something that won’t really fix our lives or bring us joy? Could it be that we are trying to reach our goals by ourselves, without asking for help from others or from a Higher Power? Could it be that we have set our goals without consulting the people who really matter to us, and had we consulted, we would have discovered the need for some compromising in order to ensure that we weren’t impinging on another’s dreams and hopes and resolutions? Could it be that our resolutions are really just responses to external pressures, rather than drawn from our innermost selves, and that as a result, a healthy part of ourselves rebels against merely doing what others seem to want?

What would it look like to do New Year’s resolutions differently? What would happen if we considered making Resolutions to be an opportunity to get our lives in order, to become clear about who we want to be, how we want to live and work, and how we want to do relationships – at home, in the neighborhood, and at work? What would happen if we used this opportunity to set aside regular time for reflecting, for talking seriously with the people who matter to us? Might our resolutions turn out differently if we made them more an exercise in discovering our values than in feeding our vanity (you know, the car, the figure, the body, the money)?

For instance, if we chose several character traits to aim for (e.g. integrity, trust, courage, wisdom, caring, respect), reflected on them each morning with our coffee, and decided to do just one thing of character each day – what might happen? If we chose several areas of our lives (e.g., our relationships, our work, our commitments to “giving back”) or only one to focus these character traits on – might we actually make our resolutions a reality? Consider how your world might change if you decided. . .

• to smile at everyone whom you encountered;
• to look into the eyes of people who were talking with you so as to really
hear them and understand them;
• to take on one new thing each day that you’ve never done before;
• to approach every conflict or disappointment with peacefulness in your heart;
• to get rid of the impatience in your voice as you spoke with your children
or employees;
• to always tell the truth, even it is hard;
• to see the people around you as people, rather than as instruments to help
you to reach your aims
• to ask yourself, as you approach each relationship or conversation, what you
might offer to the other person?

Well, these are some of my ideas about living with character. But no one can decide for you. You have to decide what being wise means, how to be caring, where you need to be courageous. You get to decide what your life will look like this year. Make it a good, well-considered choice – and remember, you get to decide what “good,” or “better,” or “best” is. May you make it the best year yet in very important and meaningful ways!

Beyond “Dr. No” to “Dr. Yes”

Leonard Pitts of the Miami Herald wrote an article this week with the above title. In it, he spoke about Michael Jackson, about the fame and power Jackson wielded that made it difficult to say “no” to him. In fact, says Pitts, if his doctor had said “no,” Michael would still be alive.

But beyond the illegalities of drug addiction and excessive spending and inviting children into your bed, isn’t it also true that we need either an internal or an external “Dr. No” if we are to behave in accordance with positive values? If we look carefully at the times in which we have crossed over an ethical boundary, hasn’t it been because we wanted a “yes” and we were going to take it however we could?

Perhaps it was a “yes” to paying less taxes, or a “yes” to having a bigger car or a bigger house, or a “yes” to going out on a Friday or Saturday night when our spouse didn’t want us to, or a “yes” to eating just a little more dessert, or a “yes” . . . well, you continue the thinking as it might best apply to your life.

Beyond personal “yeses,” perhaps the auto industry said “yes” one too many times to those in power rather than those who many years ago could have created better and more fuel efficient cars. Perhaps the mortgage brokers said “yes” to one too many loans that they shouldn’t have. Perhaps the bankers said “yes” to too many risky investments or income increasing strategies. It seems clear that, in these situations, as with Michael, the failure to say “no” has damaged the very core of our society and our trust.

We seem to understand, if we are parents or other adults who work with children, that children need clear limits in order to learn right from wrong. They need parents who will serve as “Dr. No’s.” They need someone outside of themselves saying, “Here is the limit of what is right. When you step over this line, you will have stepped into a danger zone, either for yourself, for someone else, or for property.”

We are supposed to eventually grow out of the need for external controls. We are supposed to internalize our parents’ or our society’s messages about right and wrong, how to decide among options, and how to choose what’s best for ourselves, for those we love, for our organizations or communities, and for the physical world around us.

Sometimes tragic circumstances hinder our development. And sometimes issues are very complex, and require carefully weighing of benefits and harms to determine what the best choices might be.

But sometimes, we just want what we want when we want it. And if we can get away with it, we sometimes just take what we want when we want it. And sometimes we feel guilty. And sometime we don’t. Sometimes we say, “It isn’t hurting anyone.” And sometimes we realize that harm is happening. The harm is just to someone or something “out there,” where we have no personal connections to the people who might be hurt, where no one can connect the misbehavior to us. Sometimes we figure that whatever harms happen, they will be to people that we don’t know or care about, or to a world many years in the future when we are no longer alive. Such an attitude takes a toll on our souls, on our beliefs about ourselves, on our sense of self-worth, our sense that we are good and valuable people.

But I think that “Dr. No” doesn’t go far enough. I think we need to get to a “Dr. Yes.” Sure, as people and as a society, we need to say “no” to greed and mistreatment of others and breaking the law. But plenty of research and stories tell us that merely focusing on what not to do doesn’t get us where we want to go. People don’t like to be told “No,” and so they rebel and try to find any way they can to get around it. But even those who rebel at “no” can be inspired toward “yes.” We need to aspire toward becoming “Dr. Yeses.”

Dr. Yes points us toward what is good and healthy and positive in ourselves, in other people, in our institutions, and in our communities. Dr. Yes doesn’t rely on the sensationalism of crime and dastardly deeds to get our attention, but instead tries to draw attention to businesses that treat their employees well, schools that educate well, and people who contribute to their communities. Dr. Yes buys advertising in programs that advocate for what is best in our people and our communities. Dr. Yes boycotts products and companies that harm people and the environment. Dr. Yes encourages people to be the best that they can be, rather than stopping at minimal requirements. Dr. Yes, urges people to aim continually upward, toward personal and family and community growth. Dr. Yes holds up character traits and behaviors, like integrity and tolerance and caring and responsibility and wisdom and courage, that we can aspire toward. Dr. Yes says we can always aim upward toward something better and we should never stop trying, that we never really arrive, that personal, moral, ethical, interpersonal growth is a lifelong endeavor. Dr. Yes looks for the possibilities of who we can become, and believes that we are better people than we know. While Dr. No may always be necessary to ensure a certain minimum, Dr. Yes holds possibilities for transformation – of ourselves, our families, our communities, and the world. Won’t you become a “Dr. Yes?” If we all become “Dr. Yeses,” I believe we have the power to change the world.

War Plus: Will the Big Issues Get Us Down? (June 2009)

Day after day, I read the newspaper articles on Gaza and Israel, and I ask myself, "What's the answer?" "What does an ethicist like myself have to say about such huge and long standing issues?" I ask myself, "What would I say if the politicos in Washington asked me for ethical input?" And I reply to myself, "Yes, but what do I know about politics? What do I know about how to prevent war, how to create peace, how to help countries get along with one another?" I will simply have to stick with what I do know, what I can do, and recognize that if I use all that I have, it will make a difference.

So, what do I know, and what can I do? What do you know, and what can you do? I have spent my career as a mental health professional, doing assessments and psychotherapy, and teaching graduate students to become counselors. What I know is how to help people heal from emotional struggles; how to help them to learn the life skills necessary for daily life, for success in school and work, for raising a family; and how to help them figure out and reach for their dreams. And I know that the world is a better place for the changes created when people grow in these ways. The world around the people I have helped is a more peaceful place. It is a more positive place. It is a place with healthier, less damaging relationships. It is a place where people can trust one another because they know that they have each communicated clearly and honestly with one another. It is a place where when conflict arises, they can trust that the other will work with them to clear it up, rather than disappearing or hating or stirring up trouble. And if I can't solve the war in the middle east, isn't it better to know that there at least some people who are living in greater peace, who are raising their children in a more loving environment, who are following their "call", and so are contributing to the world in some positive way?

What I also know is how to write and teach and develop curricula. And so I write this blog, and write virtue newsletters, and write books on life skills and character and optimal development. And I teach adjunct classes and continuing education classes, developing new curricula as the need arises. And if I can persuade those who read and who are students that "positive psychology" (that is, aiming for mental health, aiming for the best, encouraging optimal development, investing in becoming and creating people of character with strong ethical decision making skills) has value, then perhaps they too will take it out into the world with them, and will assist their clients and students and business partners and family members that being people of character matters. Perhaps they will become persuaded that investing in the "spirit" of life, in the "higher" things of life, makes a difference. Perhaps they will spread the news that if we each aim for the optimal in caring and trustworthiness and responsibility and courage and wisdom and fairness and respect and citizenship, if we take little steps each day, that we can create a better world around us, and that what is "better" will spread and keep on spreading, like the ripples that begin with a mere drop of water.

But it takes intention and inspiration and perhaps spirit to live out what I know, where I am, and to not despair over how short it falls. It takes courage to believe that if I live my life in integrity, if I intentionally aim for the best character, even when I can get away with less, if I encourage the children and parents that I see at school and church and Girl Scouts to do the same, that others will also be motivated to do the same, and that the "good" will spread. It takes trust that others will be just as concerned and motivated as I am, and that we can lean on one another, that we can encourage one another, and that this team effort can transform our schools and families and communities.

But if we don't have the courage to fully live into what we know, where we are, what hope is there? What other options do we have if we want things like wars in Gaza to end, people in the frozen north of the former Soviet Union countries to have access to oil to heat their homes, and the crime ridden neighborhoods around us to become safe?

Will you join me in saying that you will take the risk to invest in your own character and to support your family members and friends and co workers to invest in character? I believe Obama when he says that if we all join together, "Yes, we can" make a difference.