War Plus: Will the Big Issues Get Us Down?

Day after day, I read the newspaper articles on Gaza and Israel, and I ask myself, "What's the answer?" "What does an ethicist like myself have to say about such huge and long standing issues?" I ask myself, "What would I say if the politicos in Washington asked me for ethical input?" And I reply to myself, "Yes, but what do I know about politics? What do I know about how to prevent war, how to create peace, how to help countries get along with one another?" I will simply have to stick with what I do know, what I can do, and recognize that if I use all that I have, it will make a difference.

So, what do I know, and what can I do? What do you know, and what can you do? I have spent my career as a mental health professional, doing assessments and psychotherapy, and teaching graduate students to become counselors. What I know is how to help people heal from emotional struggles; how to help them to learn the life skills necessary for daily life, for success in school and work, for raising a family; and how to help them figure out and reach for their dreams. And I know that the world is a better place for the changes created when people grow in these ways. The world around the people I have helped is a more peaceful place. It is a more positive place. It is a place with healthier, less damaging relationships. It is a place where people can trust one another because they know that they have each communicated clearly and honestly with one another. It is a place where when conflict arises, they can trust that the other will work with them to clear it up, rather than disappearing or hating or stirring up trouble. And if I can't solve the war in the middle east, isn't it better to know that there at least some people who are living in greater peace, who are raising their children in a more loving environment, who are following their "call", and so are contributing to the world in some positive way?

What I also know is how to write and teach and develop curricula. And so I write this blog, and write virtue newsletters, and write books on life skills and character and optimal development. And I teach adjunct classes and continuing education classes, developing new curricula as the need arises. And if I can persuade those who read and who are students that "positive psychology" (that is, aiming for mental health, aiming for the best, encouraging optimal development, investing in becoming and creating people of character with strong ethical decision making skills) has value, then perhaps they too will take it out into the world with them, and will assist their clients and students and business partners and family members that being people of character matters. Perhaps they will become persuaded that investing in the "spirit" of life, in the "higher" things of life, makes a difference. Perhaps they will spread the news that if we each aim for the optimal in caring and trustworthiness and responsibility and courage and wisdom and fairness and respect and citizenship, if we take little steps each day, that we can create a better world around us, and that what is "better" will spread and keep on spreading, like the ripples that begin with a mere drop of water.

But it takes intention and inspiration and perhaps spirit to live out what I know, where I am, and to not despair over how short it falls. It takes courage to believe that if I live my life in integrity, if I intentionally aim for the best character, even when I can get away with less, if I encourage the children and parents that I see at school and church and Girl Scouts to do the same, that others will also be motivated to do the same, and that the "good" will spread. It takes trust that others will be just as concerned and motivated as I am, and that we can lean on one another, that we can encourage one another, and that this team effort can transform our schools and families and communities.

But if we don't have the courage to fully live into what we know, where we are, what hope is there? What other options do we have if we want things like wars in Gaza to end, people in the frozen north of the former Soviet Union countries to have access to oil to heat their homes, and the crime ridden neighborhoods around us to become safe?

Will you join me in saying that you will take the risk to invest in your own character and to support your family members and friends and co workers to invest in character? I believe Obama when he says that if we all join together, "Yes, we can" make a difference.

Disagreeing, with Respect

In this week's Palm Beach Post, a discussion about a political conflict in a nearby county generated an interesting response from a man at a party. He said, "I wish that we could disagree without being so disagreeable." The article's author wondered if that had ever been possible in that particular county. Isn't that a sad commentary on our times? That we can't disagree very easily and still remain friends, still work on needed projects, still feel like part of the same community? Why do you suppose that is? What makes us draw lines in the dirt and dare people to cross them? What makes it so hard for us to be able to state what we feel or believe or want, and, if it conflicts with what someone else feels or believes or wants, merely use the difference as an opportunity for growth or learning?

Well, we therapists have our perspectives on this, although we may not do conflict any better ourselves: In order to deal with conflict in healthy ways, we need to have confidence in ourselves. We need to know that "I" will be okay and will exist even if someone different from who "I" am comes into my proverbial neighborhood. When that "I" is strong enough, it can't be threatened by another "I". And that's what we are talking about here, aren't we? When conflict turns into divisions, it is because someone is feeling threatened. Someone figures that they are going to lose, get run over, not be respected. But when I have full respect for myself, I know that I will not disappear just because someone disagrees with me. And when I am not feeling threatened, I can be respectful of other people, fully hear them, care about their perspective, and consider how each of our perspectives might be honored and cared for and supported.

In fact, if I am sure that I am not perfect and not "all knowing," then I ought to want to hear other perspectives in order to learn, in order to expand my horizons, in order to move beyond my limitations. But in order to do that, I have to have respect for other people, particularly those who are different from me. I have to acknowledge that there are other people "out there" who know something, who have valuable things to offer, and who can teach me. I have to be open, rather than closed off. And I have to believe that being able to disagree without being disagreeable is something to aspire to. I'm going to work at this kind of respect for myself and for other people. Will you take the challenge to do so as well?

Virtue vs. Vanity

Here we are in the New Year, a new decade, a time that most of us hope will be better than the last couple of years. If you are like me, you have either thought about New Year’s resolutions, are avoiding thinking about them, or are wondering when you will find the time to carefully consider what you want your life to look like in the New Year.

But whatever state your resolutions are in, what are your thoughts about how to decide what you will aim for? Will you decide on “fixing” areas of your life that are in disarray? Will you decide to become something that you are not? Will you let vanity overwhelm values? Or do you have other strategies?

I ask these questions because of what our resolutions typically look like. I have heard many people aspire to lose 20 pounds; to get in shape; to buy the new car they’ve dreamt about; to get the mess in their house cleaned up; to make $1,000,000; to change jobs; to get the big promotion. . . . Well, you get my drift. Is it any wonder that we hear over and over again how few people actualize their resolutions?

Could it be that whatever needs fixing can’t be fixed with just a decision, that some depth work, some digging is needed to recover from past experiences? Could it be that we are aiming for something that has little real worth, something that won’t really fix our lives or bring us joy? Could it be that we are trying to reach our goals by ourselves, without asking for help from others or from a Higher Power? Could it be that we have set our goals without consulting the people who really matter to us, and had we consulted, we would have discovered the need for some compromising in order to ensure that we weren’t impinging on another’s dreams and hopes and resolutions? Could it be that our resolutions are really just responses to external pressures, rather than drawn from our innermost selves, and that as a result, a healthy part of ourselves rebels against merely doing what others seem to want?

What would it look like to do New Year’s resolutions differently? What would happen if we considered making Resolutions to be an opportunity to get our lives in order, to become clear about who we want to be, how we want to live and work, and how we want to do relationships – at home, in the neighborhood, and at work? What would happen if we used this opportunity to set aside regular time for reflecting, for talking seriously with the people who matter to us? Might our resolutions turn out differently if we made them more an exercise in discovering our values than in feeding our vanity (you know, the car, the figure, the body, the money)?

For instance, if we chose several character traits to aim for (e.g. integrity, trust, courage, wisdom, caring, respect), reflected on them each morning with our coffee, and decided to do just one thing of character each day – what might happen? If we chose several areas of our lives (e.g., our relationships, our work, our commitments to “giving back”) or only one to focus these character traits on – might we actually make our resolutions a reality? Consider how your world might change if you decided. . .

• to smile at everyone whom you encountered;
• to look into the eyes of people who were talking with you so as to really
hear them and understand them;
• to take on one new thing each day that you’ve never done before;
• to approach every conflict or disappointment with peacefulness in your heart;
• to get rid of the impatience in your voice as you spoke with your children
or employees;
• to always tell the truth, even it is hard;
• to see the people around you as people, rather than as instruments to help
you to reach your aims
• to ask yourself, as you approach each relationship or conversation, what you
might offer to the other person?

Well, these are some of my ideas about living with character. But no one can decide for you. You have to decide what being wise means, how to be caring, where you need to be courageous. You get to decide what your life will look like this year. Make it a good, well-considered choice – and remember, you get to decide what “good,” or “better,” or “best” is. May you make it the best year yet in very important and meaningful ways!

War Plus: Will the Big Issues Get Us Down? (June 2009)

Day after day, I read the newspaper articles on Gaza and Israel, and I ask myself, "What's the answer?" "What does an ethicist like myself have to say about such huge and long standing issues?" I ask myself, "What would I say if the politicos in Washington asked me for ethical input?" And I reply to myself, "Yes, but what do I know about politics? What do I know about how to prevent war, how to create peace, how to help countries get along with one another?" I will simply have to stick with what I do know, what I can do, and recognize that if I use all that I have, it will make a difference.

So, what do I know, and what can I do? What do you know, and what can you do? I have spent my career as a mental health professional, doing assessments and psychotherapy, and teaching graduate students to become counselors. What I know is how to help people heal from emotional struggles; how to help them to learn the life skills necessary for daily life, for success in school and work, for raising a family; and how to help them figure out and reach for their dreams. And I know that the world is a better place for the changes created when people grow in these ways. The world around the people I have helped is a more peaceful place. It is a more positive place. It is a place with healthier, less damaging relationships. It is a place where people can trust one another because they know that they have each communicated clearly and honestly with one another. It is a place where when conflict arises, they can trust that the other will work with them to clear it up, rather than disappearing or hating or stirring up trouble. And if I can't solve the war in the middle east, isn't it better to know that there at least some people who are living in greater peace, who are raising their children in a more loving environment, who are following their "call", and so are contributing to the world in some positive way?

What I also know is how to write and teach and develop curricula. And so I write this blog, and write virtue newsletters, and write books on life skills and character and optimal development. And I teach adjunct classes and continuing education classes, developing new curricula as the need arises. And if I can persuade those who read and who are students that "positive psychology" (that is, aiming for mental health, aiming for the best, encouraging optimal development, investing in becoming and creating people of character with strong ethical decision making skills) has value, then perhaps they too will take it out into the world with them, and will assist their clients and students and business partners and family members that being people of character matters. Perhaps they will become persuaded that investing in the "spirit" of life, in the "higher" things of life, makes a difference. Perhaps they will spread the news that if we each aim for the optimal in caring and trustworthiness and responsibility and courage and wisdom and fairness and respect and citizenship, if we take little steps each day, that we can create a better world around us, and that what is "better" will spread and keep on spreading, like the ripples that begin with a mere drop of water.

But it takes intention and inspiration and perhaps spirit to live out what I know, where I am, and to not despair over how short it falls. It takes courage to believe that if I live my life in integrity, if I intentionally aim for the best character, even when I can get away with less, if I encourage the children and parents that I see at school and church and Girl Scouts to do the same, that others will also be motivated to do the same, and that the "good" will spread. It takes trust that others will be just as concerned and motivated as I am, and that we can lean on one another, that we can encourage one another, and that this team effort can transform our schools and families and communities.

But if we don't have the courage to fully live into what we know, where we are, what hope is there? What other options do we have if we want things like wars in Gaza to end, people in the frozen north of the former Soviet Union countries to have access to oil to heat their homes, and the crime ridden neighborhoods around us to become safe?

Will you join me in saying that you will take the risk to invest in your own character and to support your family members and friends and co workers to invest in character? I believe Obama when he says that if we all join together, "Yes, we can" make a difference.

Presidential Thoughts on Respect and Fairness (November 2008)

It seemed fitting to begin this blog with a reflection on our country's newly elected president. I was one of the group who was overjoyed by Obama's election. And while I realize that everyone does not share my views, I thought you might be interested in some of my perspectives. Given our country's economic crisis, I, of course, wanted to vote for change. But Obama's election brings possibilities for change far larger than economic change and the ethical/character changes necessary for fixing our economic situation. Barack's election signals that America is willing to take a stand for fairness to all people, for respect for everyone, regardless of the color of their skin. As one email I recently read stated, "Finally, we are winning the Civil War," or what was begun by ending slavery. As another said, "Harriett Tubman escaped so that Rosa could sit. Rosa sat so that Martin could stand. Martin stood so that Barack could run."

But my enthusiasm is far larger than a celebration of fairness and respect for people of different races. You see, if "we the people" are willing to respect people who are Black, Hispanic, Latino, Asian, or Native American, I see us as have reached a place of accepting, and perhaps even celebrating, other differences as well. It seems to me that Obama's election (and Hilary Clinton being in the running) also signals greater respect and acceptance of women, and gays, and the poor, and immigrants, and the many other groups who have been discriminated against throughout history.

Character and/or ethics includes respect for all people and fair distribution of goods. It means that everyone has access to goods - products, jobs, salaries, benefits, raises, promotions, housing, quality schooling -- and that any differences in distribution have to be justified (by such differences as qualifications, education, working more hours, etc).

America used to be considered a "melting pot." Well, a better analogy is a "salad." You see, in a melting pot, all differences are melted together into a common "mush" that we call "American." A "salad," instead, celebrates difference - all of the colors, the textures, the sizes of the ingredients contribute to the richness of the salad, and, for many of us, to its desireability. Even those who are not fond of salad have begun to realize that the best answers for our society come from the participation of many. The more differing perspectives are heard the better the chance of developing solutions that include all of the possibilities. The better the chance of ensuring that some groups of people are not hurt, and in fact, that more of us prosper.

Disagreeing, with Respect (October 2008)

In this week's Palm Beach Post, a discussion about a political conflict in a nearby county generated an interesting response from a man at a party. He said, "I wish that we could disagree without being so disagreeable." The article's author wondered if that had ever been possible in that particular county. Isn't that a sad commentary on our times? That we can't disagree very easily and still remain friends, still work on needed projects, still feel like part of the same community? Why do you suppose that is? What makes us draw lines in the dirt and dare people to cross them? What makes it so hard for us to be able to state what we feel or believe or want, and, if it conflicts with what someone else feels or believes or wants, merely use the difference as an opportunity for growth or learning?

Well, we therapists have our perspectives on this, although we may not do conflict any better ourselves: In order to deal with conflict in healthy ways, we need to have confidence in ourselves. We need to know that "I" will be okay and will exist even if someone different from who "I" am comes into my proverbial neighborhood. When that "I" is strong enough, it can't be threatened by another "I". And that's what we are talking about here, aren't we? When conflict turns into divisions, it is because someone is feeling threatened. Someone figures that they are going to lose, get run over, not be respected. But when I have full respect for myself, I know that I will not disappear just because someone disagrees with me. And when I am not feeling threatened, I can be respectful of other people, fully hear them, care about their perspective, and consider how each of our perspectives might be honored and cared for and supported.

In fact, if I am sure that I am not perfect and not "all knowing," then I ought to want to hear other perspectives in order to learn, in order to expand my horizons, in order to move beyond my limitations. But in order to do that, I have to have respect for other people, particularly those who are different from me. I have to acknowledge that there are other people "out there" who know something, who have valuable things to offer, and who can teach me. I have to be open, rather than closed off. And I have to believe that being able to disagree without being disagreeable is something to aspire to. I'm going to work at this kind of respect for myself and for other people. Will you take the challenge to do so as well?