The True Meaning of Christmas

I was struck by the Denver Post article, “Teaching kids to be grateful,” that asked whether the Black Friday shopping events would turn kids into materialistic creatures, rather than helping them to be grateful for what they have. Gratefulness is difficult in our household, I must admit. And it seems to circle right around the perceived need for “stuff,” more and better “stuff” than the friends have – or at least the same amount and kind of “stuff” that friends have.

I remember those inclinations as a child – I would be forever asking our parents for what my best friend, Linda, had. My sister would regularly ask for a television and a horse, requests that were repeated every Christmas for most of our growing up years. And, as you can imagine, given that we had no television growing up, our parents were making different choices than the parents of our friends. We frequently felt left out or as though our friends were far better endowed than we were with clothes and toys and activities.

And yet, isn’t that the reason we are in such trouble economically now? That some folks wanted more and better stuff and put those wants above making wise choices? That they chose houses that they probably couldn’t afford, commissions on riskier and riskier mortgages, larger and larger bonuses? It’s as though folks were never taught to make wise financial decisions! It’s as though values went out the window when deciding on major financial investments! And, as it is now clear, individuals can’t just claim that it’s alright to make whatever decisions they want to because we have now been persuaded that poor decisions can be devastating for millions of people!

Interestingly, I chose a profession whose income levels were unlikely to bring in the kind of money necessary to “fix” what I, as a child, had considered inadequacies. And I chose a lifestyle that valued interpersonal relationships and spiritual matters more than material possessions. Particularly now that I am beyond 50, I have realized, as my high school economics teacher once told us – the more stuff you have, the more time and money you have to spend taking care of it. And I don’t want to spend the time or the money. I want to spend time with my daughter, enjoy the out of doors, travel, attend arts events, give something back to society. These are “riches” that fall by the wayside when one is a single professional mother if one has too much “stuff” to take care of. So, I have just downsized, living in a 1000 square foot place and getting rid of everything I didn’t absolutely love. The result is that my daughter feels “poor” despite our more than adequate housing and income – she does not share my values at this time in her life about what makes life “rich.” Like my childhood experiences with our parents, she has not yet come to value what I value, and, as a result, she feels deprived.

So, do we parents just give in? Or do we fully claim our roles as transmitters of values? Do we fully and intentionally teach our children the reasons for the choices we make, financial and otherwise? They will learn whether we are intentional or not, either following in our footsteps or rebelling strongly and making different choices. Do we talk with them about our choices and why we make them? Do we share the values that inform our choices? Do we ourselves think about our values and how our decisions will affect us, our children, and our world in the long run?

In fact, what better time than when we are approaching Christmas to become intentional about gratefulness and the right place for “stuff” in our lives. Spending money on Black Friday doesn’t have to be about materialism or greed or selfishness. In our household it was about getting 70% off on warm clothes that we were lacking due to a recent move from Florida to Colorado. Not spending money that we don’t have to spend is one of our values. So, earlier access to Black Friday sales is less the question than, “Will we be seduced by what is external – be it advertising or keeping up with the Joneses -- or will we be guided by an internal sense of what is important in life, what will help our children grow up to be responsible caring people, what really matters in the long term, rather than only in the short term?” The question is, “What are our values? Are those values contributing to our long term well-being and our children’s long term well-being?” and “Have we considered the impact that our choices make on our communities and the larger society?” “Do we take into consideration that ‘no one is an island,’ that our choices affect many other people, and that ultimately certain ways of living are unsustainable?” Those are the questions that move beyond the simplistic. Those are the questions that challenge us to be intentional about the way we live our lives, that challenge us to take into consideration the bigger picture, the longer term impacts, for individuals, families, and communities. Will you join me in asking them in your family? After all, what better time is there to ask them than at Thanksgiving or as we approach Christmas, Chanukah, and the New Year?

Does God Care About the Debt?

It is hard to look at a newspaper or watch a television show or hear a radio show, or for that matter, have a conversation, these days without the subject of the national debt coming up. I read the paper. I listen to the radio, and I wonder, “Who’s right?” and “Is there any way to tell?” And “Where is God in all of this?”

Some of you may say, “Well, this doesn’t have anything to do with God. It’s about greed and dishonesty and just bad luck.” Others might have clear beliefs about whether we should have a smaller or larger government, or what it will take to resolve the debt crisis, or how we will get more people back to work and back in homes. And these arguments may be backed by arguments provided by the views presented by the Republican side of the house or the Democrats’ side of the house. But do we really know? Can we really know?

After all, those in Washington are advised by the best and the brightest on both sides of the financial and accounting and political fence. If they can’t figure it out, what chance do we common mortals have? It seems to me that in times like these, God does have something to say.

For instance, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” We all know someone who is out of a job or underemployed or struggling to pay their bills. How might we participate in community building, first getting to know our neighbors, saying hello, talking enough time to find out how they are doing, and reaching out to offer a helping hand when necessary? Of course, this requires that we carefully consider how, that we stop and look and listen, that we take the time, that we actually know our neighbors, and that we check in with them regularly and communicate openly and honestly. Perhaps we give up an hour of television each night to do it. But what could happen if Americans decided to take that commandment seriously on a moment by moment basis?

Or how about not “coveting” what our neighbors have? I realize that buying “stuff” is touted as the very measure of the health of the American economy. But isn’t the lack of ability to buy “stuff” what makes us feel poor or as though we aren’t measuring up to our neighbors? What if we stopped valuing more “stuff” so much? What if we invested our money in things that really mattered? Like quality health care? Like eating in ways that support our body’s health? Like buying things that last rather than those that become undesirable when the next fad comes along? What if we shared what we have? Do we really need a lawn mower for every house in the neighborhood? A whole neighborhood filled with private decks and barbeques? What if instead of coveting what our neighbors have, we built community by considering all that we have and our neighbors have to be community property?

Or what about “Working hard as unto the Lord?” In the old days, the class system meant that everyone who wasn’t rich worked as many hours as they could at whatever they could. Clearly the inequities were not a good thing, and abuses were rampant. But the fact that people did work that hard says to me that we can! So, what if we stepped it up – instead of working as little as we can to get by, what if we put in a little extra, worked a few extra hours, and ensured that our work really mattered rather than being “make work.” Imagine what 5 or 10% extra effort might mean to the products we create!

And perhaps, most importantly, “Trusting God in all things.” The reality is that no matter how hard we try, no matter what answers we come up with on our own, we will never have it all figured out. We are imperfect and incomplete. And certainly those we elect to public office are imperfect and incomplete. It is crazy to expect that they (and we) will ever be otherwise. We will never be able to do it all on our own. There will always be uncertainties and things we can’t control. And if ever there was a time that that was true, it is now, when so many live in uncertainty and fear. I don’t think there is any way to move beyond uncertainty and fear except by trusting God, however we might understand God. If there is no God, I think we are all in trouble. So, I wonder what would happen if we turned our eyes heavenward a little more frequently, “turned things over to God as we understand God,” as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, a little more intentionally. Imagine the power of just that if more of us did it just a few minutes more each day. Will you join me?

Where Do We Get Off Thinking We Are Entitled?

As I read about the ever unfolding saga of Palm Beach County’s crooks and other crooks in our nation, I am struck by the sense of entitlement that seems to start people down the “slippery slope.” I mean, ethical decision making can be a complex process, and those at the lower levels of capacity might be led astray by bad characters. But as I read, it seems to me that those who break the rules for money seem to believe that they are entitled to the money and benefits. Those who bribe seem to believe that doing whatever you have to do to get people’s business is okay, including giving gifts of money, jewels, tickets to sporting events, and vacations at posh resorts. And, of course, most of us have had the experience of sales people who will say anything they have to say to get our business, who will seem to be our best friends in order to get us to say “yes” to whatever they are selling. We don’t typically consider this a problem – it can be interpreted as friendliness and just loving to get to know people -- or it can be outright lying that we have come to expect.

But where do we draw the line? Is it at “whatever we (or they) can get away with”? Are we willing to behave that way ourselves, have our children led astray by those who behave that way, have our elderly parents deceived by people who veer far away from the truth? How many laws or regulations need to be passed before we decide that such manipulation or entitlement isn’t okay? How many people does an Ethics Commission or Inspector General’s office need investigate before people get the message?

We could easily stop the trust-destroying entitlement behavior if we refused to participate on the receiving end. But therein lies the rest of the problem – those of us who believe that we deserve the perks. After all, we might say to ourselves, we work hard and are sometimes underappreciated. And perhaps we don’t have the ability to pay for such perks ourselves – but envy those who do. In the case of government workers, perhaps we are not paid what we think we are worth, and we figure the perks will make up for it. Perhaps we are lower level workers, and rather than investing in an education or learning English, we figure there is a quicker way to benefits. Perhaps we are mid-level workers at odds with the higher ups, and feel we deserve what they have – so we are willing to take short cuts to get there. Perhaps we are out with the gang, and our friends are being treated, and our choice is to leave – leaving our friends to worry about whether we will “tell” – or to join in so we don’t lose our friends.

Whatever the reason, it becomes difficult not to take the first step. And after one step, the pressure is on, internally and externally, to take another and another. That’s why they call it a “slippery slope” – once we start down, it is more difficult to get off. Internally, it just doesn’t seem that much further to take the next step – we develop calluses on our conscience. Externally, there is the pressure of being found out or having our initial faux pas revealed if we don’t continue “going along.”

But what about stopping the greed in the first place? What about getting beyond the “I want what I want when I want it” mentality. I can understand such a mentality in children who haven’t learn to follow the rules and to control their impulses. I am forever asking my daughter, “Do you really need that?” or reminding her that “more stuff doesn’t make you happy -- it just gives you more to take care of and worry about. And no amount is ever going to help you to match up with your friends. Someone will always have more than you will.” Have some of us adults simply not learned these childhood lessons yet? What will it take? When will we stop to weigh the values that we stand for and actualize values that matter and that don’t hurt us, our families, or other people? When will we realize that all the goodies in the world just feed an empty void that can never be truly filled – no matter how many we grab for; no matter how much of our integrity we give up to get them? Ethics commissions, hearings, and jail won’t teach these lessons – it has to come from within or from Higher Up.

Cheap and Happy?

In a recent article, Cheap, Jeff Yeager relates his cycling trip across country to visit self-proclaimed “cheapskates.” His conclusions and those of other cheapskates? “A true sign of wealth is free time.” And “spending less money creates more free time.” And we can invest our time in creating happiness if we spend less time making money and spending it and taking care of what we have spent it on. Given the challenges to ethics posed by financial decisions, it seems worthwhile to reconsider the notion that “more is always better” – more stuff, more money, more toys. After all, aren’t many of the ethical struggles that employees and company leaders face related to questions about whether the costs justify the results?

We have many current examples of attempts to get more money to spend to look at. For instance, isn’t the current BP Gulf crisis the result of decisions to cut corners and costs by not incorporating the optimal in safety and warning mechanisms, thus increasing profits? Isn’t the “profit at any cost” mentality of mortgage companies and financial institutions what resulted in our current economic meltdown and in the huge losses of people’s jobs and homes? In fact, might we see as evidence that such a mentality has permeated our society in the fact that we now have someone running for the U.S. Senate (Jeff Greene) who has made millions by betting during high mortgage times that people would become unable to pay their loans? If he is to be a leader in our country, shouldn’t he have helped people to make better decisions about what they could afford, rather that betting on their losses and failures? Although it may not be true that “money is the root of all evil,” certainly greed contributes substantially.

And yet, contrarily, we have many examples of companies (think Ben and Jerry’s, for instance) creating innovative and highly successful products while still maintaining optimal values – so clearly competition for greater and greater profits as the only value worth aiming for is not necessary to creativity and innovation.
So, what if we all got less greedy? What if we adopted frugality -- that has been necessary for many of us due to the economy – as a more permanent lifestyle? What if we invested in using only our share of the world’s resources, instead of using as much as we can get away with? What difference might it make? Might we be happier? Less stressed?

Can we all agree that from an ethical point of view, these are good ideas? For instance, can we agree that living within our means is responsible? Can we agree that living modestly and giving substantially is not only generous but compassionate, given that most of the world lives on less than $2 per day? Can we all agree that making decisions out of greed and unrestrained desire challenges the amount of time and energy that we might be spending in service or planning for the benefit of our children’s futures? I hope we can!

So, in the interest of taking my own medicine, I thought I would examine my “to do list” from this weekend to see if the cheapskates’ ideas bore consideration. Think about your own lists as you review mine.
1. Clean the pool filter, visit the pool store to have the chemicals in the water checked, buy and put in the chemicals, sweep the pool because the automatic cleaner doesn’t seem to be working right, figure out how and when I am going to get the automatic cleaner fixed. Of course, if I hadn’t spent the money on the pool, none of this would be necessary. And the joy, social events, and exercise that we get from the pool could be gotten from the pool right down the street in our development.
2. In the yard, pull weeds, trim the bushes, check and water the new grass that I had tried to put in due to drought conditions, haul weeds to the composter to make compost for plantings, call the yard service to find out when they are next coming because the grass is getting longer than usual. Make a note to talk with the homeowner’s association yard service about why they haven’t been trimming the bushes. Contact friend who’s been doing remodeling about giving her some of the plantings from my yard – partly a nice gift and partly that I have to keep trimming and reducing due to things growing so fast. If I didn’t have such a big yard, I wouldn’t have to do all of this. I can only think of one reason to have such a yard that contributes to my happiness: I live in a city, and I feel cramped and trapped without having a certain amount of space around me. However, my proposed move to Colorado aims to solve some of this: I will be able to have the space in the woods without having to do any yard care. (of course, a move costs money!)
3. Order health care supplies from health care provider. Probably a good idea, but still takes time and money.
4. Get medications for the dog. Take outside to potty regularly. Pick up poo. Take for a walk. Ahhh to not have a dog that I have to feed, pick up after, and arrange for care for when I travel! Of course, I love her and she does add to my happiness.
5. Clean up junk around the house and clean out the garage of excess junk. Clean the house. Obviously if I hadn’t bought so much stuff, it wouldn’t accumulate around the house and need picking up. And if the house was smaller and I had less stuff to dust, I wouldn’t need to spend as much time cleaning.
6. Make appointment to have mold cleaned off the roof (a Florida problem) – If the house wasn’t so big and two stories, it would not cost so much to have done, and I could do the roof myself. Or I could live somewhere where mold doesn’t accumulate, or where a homeowner’s association doesn’t require large monthly payments and require one to conform to appearance standards.

So, let’s consider the proposition – would I have been happier had I not had these things to do? What might I have done instead? What would you have done instead of your “to do” list? Would all of the things I would have chosen instead have cost less money?

Well, it definitely does not make me happy to do the things that I listed above. They fall under the “have to’s” that I would like to do less of. If I had not had these tasks to do, I can think of many activities that would have made me happier: I could have read a book, talked with friends, gotten together with friends, walked around the block and talked with neighbors, called my daughter to talk with her, done some crafts, cooked a gourmet meal, walked the beach in the evenings, gone dancing, watched a movie, or served a meal at the soup kitchen. Although there are some minimal costs to some of these, they don’t come anywhere near the costs of lawn services, mortgage payments, cleaning services, vet bills, and such. And while all of these alternative activities would have made me happier -- and I did do some of them -- I didn’t have much energy or time left to do many of them because of all of the house and pool and yard care that I felt obligated to do.

A great picture of the contrasts between my obligations and my happiness is my love of camping. There is nothing I like better than camping with my family and friends out in the woods, with nothing but the bare necessities. I immediately feel the stress lifting and the joy starting when I am away from my task-filled home, exploring the beauty of nature, with people that I like only a tent away, and the opportunity to sing and make s’mores around the campfire.

What about you? What is your picture of happiness? Is it hampered by lack of time and having so many “things” that you have bought and are responsible for? Ready to try spending less or divesting yourself of the material possessions that take up your time? How about trying a week without spending money on anything but absolute necessities or without taking care of those things that you have spent money on? How much empty time would you find? What would you really like to fill it with? What would make you truly happy? (Note: You might have to write a list of the things that make you happy so that you intentionally do these things rather than falling into habitual patterns).

Our current economy faces many of us with less money to spend. We may have found ourselves underwater in many ways, which may be creating great stress. In the interest of preserving our sanity and our family lives and keeping our children from feeling overly deprived, some of us have gotten very creative in coming up with cost-free or inexpensive fun and ways to create happiness – we have spent family dinners together, gotten out the cook books and enjoyed the fun of cooking something fancy together, dusted off the games that have been hiding away in our closets for years, pulled out the craft supplies to make gifts for birthdays and holidays, hung out with the neighbors on the front stoop, taken walks or bike rides through the woods, visited the beach, invited friends over to sit out on the patio to enjoy happy hour, visited the library or the local museum. We have shared resources with our friends and traded our services for those that others have to offer.

Sounds like great ways to create our own happiness without money!! Also sounds like great ways to build community and teach our children the value of time together playing and talking and creating. So, how ‘bout it – will you take the plunge? Will you take the challenge with me of spending less, saving more, and as a result, freeing up more time for creating happiness? Or will you at least think about the possibilities? Take a few steps and see how it works?

Send Back Those Gifts!

Are we all so greedy that we want what we want when we want it? So greedy that we are tempted by material possessions to give up our integrity? So greedy that we damage the public trust by creating obligations that hamper the public good?

What am I talking about here? I am talking about public officials accepting gifts. I am talking about corporate leaders who accept pay offs, large pensions, and other bonuses beyond a reasonable salary. I am talking about any of us who accept gifts from those we don’t know, or have a passing acquaintance with, people who want something from us and are, in essence, “paying” us to look with favor on their products or services.

Gifts, at their best, are expressions of caring or gratitude. We give gifts at holidays or on birthdays or other special occasions to people we care about and to people that we have nice relationships with at work. We give gifts to those who have contributed to our lives or our success when we are celebrating our success and recognizing the team that helped us to get there. We give gifts to those that we have meaningful relationships with as expressions of appreciation for the richness that they bring to our lives. These are not the gifts that threaten our integrity.

The gifts that threaten our integrity are really “loss-leaders,” not gifts. That is, someone wants something from us, and they are willing to pay some money to give us a little taste of doing business with them. For instance, a restaurant hands out “free” samples. An office supply store hands out sticky note pads with their name on it. A vacation packages company offers an overnight stay at a resort if we will come and listen to their sales pitch. And we often accept these “gifts.” And companies know that the gifts are effective marketing strategies, reminding the “gift” recipient of the company’s name and services, because companies keep on using loss-leaders.

Loss-leaders are not really free gifts. They are small payments ahead of time to entice us to use the services or buy the products. Perhaps if we are aiming for ethical optimums, we should not accept these loss-leaders if we don’t intend to do frequent their business or store. But when we do accept the loss leader, we end up with a warm fuzzy feeling about the company. That is, the company gains name recognition and a reputation for doing nice things for people, which is exactly their aim.

The fact that loss-leaders work should alert us to other “purchases” of favor. I recently spoke with a businessman about offering him some consultation on ethics. When I entered his office, he had several gift cards in his hand, and after we spoke, he handed me a $50 gift card as a gift, saying he likes giving gifts. Initially, I took the gift card. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought that I might hedge in challenging his unethical behavior if I accepted the gift card. You see, the gift, if I accepted it, created an obligation to look favorably on him and on his behavior. But if my job is to challenge unethical behavior, then my job would be hampered by holding a favorable opinion that wasn’t earned by ethical behavior.

And so goes the behavior of public officials and business and other community leaders who have been in the news lately. You see, ministers who accept personal gifts from wealthy church members may be tempted to look the other way if that member behaves illegally or unethically, thus failing to fulfill their ministerial role in counseling more godly choices. Board members who receive an unreasonably hefty payment for serving on the board ($100,000 for a once a year meeting is not uncommon) may be tempted to look the other way if the company president proposes actions that border on unethical. CEOs whose bonuses and other payouts depend on the profitability of the company may be tempted to “fudge,” if they think they can get away with it, if fudging will increase their bonuses or other payouts. And, of course, government officials who accept free hotel rooms, golf games, luncheons, or charity ball tickets may be tempted to play favorites with the gift givers despite requirements to equitably consider all views and all bids.

So what’s the point here? If we are shooting for optimal ethical behavior and refusing to start down a slippery slope, if we want to invest in a better society, if we want to prevent our own or others’ boundary crossing or inappropriate obligations, then we need to face the facts: loss-leaders are not gifts. Loss- leaders ask us for favors. Loss-leaders hope that we will have a more favorable relationship with the giver than with their competitors. Loss-leaders are given so that we will pay the giver back. And we need to return loss-leaders if they will tempt us to let down our guard, to play favorites, to sacrifice quality, or to simply not perform our jobs or roles to their best. We need to return loss-leaders if we have no intention of purchasing the product or service, if it would be illegal to do accept the item or service, or if it would harm our families, our companies, or the public trust to accept it. So, let’s put raw greed aside and think of the bigger picture. Let’s send back the loss-leaders!

Hope Dies Last (December 2008)

Studs Terkel, in an interview with Alex Kotlowitz of the AARP magazine, said that, unlike the Great Depression, hope was possible during this economic crisis because of the differences between the culture of the 1920's and our culture today. Terkel also pointed to what we could learn from the Great Depression.

Back in the 1920's, Terkel said, people thought "the man" knew. The "big boys" were in charge because they knew more; they had greater skills. And what a shock, he said, when the "wise men" blew it, when they didn't know what to do. When that happened, how could a person hope? Who could get the country out of a crisis if the people in charge didn't know how? Many people were furious. They blamed themselves. They lost their self-respect. They drank more. They fought more.

Some people weathered the crisis, though, and he describes how we might emulate them. Some drew hope from lending a hand or being on the receiving end of a hug. Other lessons learned during the Depression were "Don't blame yourself. Turn to others. Take part in the community."

We might also draw strength from they ways we are different from the people of the 1920's. For instance, now, Terkel said, people don't have a lot of trust in "the man." We are doubters. We agree with Terkel that "the big boys are not that bright." We are activists because during the 60's civil right movement and protests of the Vietnam war, we saw the power of activism. We decide for ourselves and determine our own fates more frequently, sometimes joining with others to have the impact we desire. And now, more than ever, Americans are raising their voices and, as Obama keeps reminding us, crying out for change.

So, what's it gonna be? When our jobs and mortgages are disappearing, when our neighbors are losing their homes, when we worry about our safety, what will we choose? Will we allow our fear to destroy our hope? Will we grab onto whatever we can get no matter whom it hurts? Will we let go of honor and love and caring and giving and all of the values we have cherished? Will we say, "Anything goes?"

Or will we follow Turkel's advice and lend a hand, turn to others, and become a community? Will we use this crisis as a warning, and, as Obama's team keeps urging us, stand up for change? Will we stand up and say, "No more taking what you can get, when you can get it, in any way you can," because that sort of behavior got us where we are today. Will we stand up and say, "Pursuit of what's good for ourselves can only get us so far. Without caring for those around us and the environment and our education systems, without limiting our greed, we will all lose." Will we stand up and say, "Come, I will help you and you will help me. We need one another, now more than ever." Will we let go of our pride and our self- or other-blame and admit our need for help; in fact, can we come to realize that people are supposed to help one another, and so we should even expect to receive help. And can we develop the trust in the people around us, trust that people care and will be looking around for ways to help. Can we use this crisis as a time to become a community, to regain the benefits of being a community, to realize that the old metaphors of "individuals pulling themselves up by their bootstraps" no longer work or are relevant? Can we embrace our interdependence?

I say, YES, WE CAN! The only question left is "WILL WE?" I will! Will you join me?