Teaching Kids to be Grateful

One of the discussions raised about Black Friday this year was whether starting sales on Thanksgiving evening at 9 pm was cutting into family time, into the time allocated to giving thanks for what really matters. How, it was asked, can we teach our children about gratefulness if we are willing to curtail Thanksgiving in favor of raw materialism? In fact, one article touted research in favor of emphasizing gratefulness because grateful children

• are happier,
• get better grades,
• have more friends,
• feel less envy and depression,
• place less importance on material goods,
• are more willing to share, and
• are less likely to judge themselves and others in terms of possessions accumulated (Denver Post, Wirthman).

Who wouldn’t want these results for their children?

And so I am left to ask, how exactly do we teach our children to be more grateful? As Christmas and Hanukkah and New Year’s Eve approach, times when most of us celebrate very significant parts of our faith experience and have the opportunity to reevaluate our lives and make resolutions for improvements, it seems particularly valuable to help our children to carefully weigh what is important in their lives as well. Of course, it is unlikely that our children will do this if we adults are not taking the same opportunity to show gratefulness and to invest in what is valuable to us!

So ask yourself these questions: Do we consider these holidays merely a time

• For getting more stuff?
• For spending lots of money on giving parties?
• For being seen at the right parties dressed in the best clothes?
• For getting drunk or high?
• For having the yearly fight with family members we don’t get along with?
• For outshining the neighbors with our decorations?
• For draining our bank accounts in our efforts to show love or compete with others?

Or do we use this time of year to take stock of our lives, to ask questions such as:

• What do I really care about?
• What makes my life worth living?
• Who do I care about?
• What am I doing to show them my love?
• How am I investing time and energy and money in what matters?
• What conversations am I having with my children about what is important in life?
• Am I serving as a good role model for my children?

The “demands” for more “stuff” seem constant in our household. And the comparisons with what other children have or get are raised regularly. The choices I make to live frugally and to have only the “stuff” I need and to save money for what I consider important (for instance, college) frequently upset my daughter. She doesn’t want to feel “less” than her friends, and when kids are in middle school, fitting in by having the same material things and clothes and opportunities seems very important. I remember that time and how difficult it was to not do and have what other kids had because of my own parents’ choices.

But the world is filled with materialism and other values choices that help no one and, in some cases, actually cause problems (think pollution, overflowing landfills, foreclosures, recessions). If the grownups don’t make the hard decisions, it is unlikely that the children will make them. If the grownups aspire to the higher values in life, it is likely that the children will as well. So, as my friend used to say, let’s put on our big girl panties, and make the hard choices, stand for something important, become role models for our children, and have the hard discussions. Let’s talk with the other parents and ask them to join us, start discussions and support groups. Let’s take a stand for what’s right, rather than what’s merely more. Let’s make the world a better place for our children and grandchildren to create a future in. What a holiday gift that would be!

The True Meaning of Christmas

I was struck by the Denver Post article, “Teaching kids to be grateful,” that asked whether the Black Friday shopping events would turn kids into materialistic creatures, rather than helping them to be grateful for what they have. Gratefulness is difficult in our household, I must admit. And it seems to circle right around the perceived need for “stuff,” more and better “stuff” than the friends have – or at least the same amount and kind of “stuff” that friends have.

I remember those inclinations as a child – I would be forever asking our parents for what my best friend, Linda, had. My sister would regularly ask for a television and a horse, requests that were repeated every Christmas for most of our growing up years. And, as you can imagine, given that we had no television growing up, our parents were making different choices than the parents of our friends. We frequently felt left out or as though our friends were far better endowed than we were with clothes and toys and activities.

And yet, isn’t that the reason we are in such trouble economically now? That some folks wanted more and better stuff and put those wants above making wise choices? That they chose houses that they probably couldn’t afford, commissions on riskier and riskier mortgages, larger and larger bonuses? It’s as though folks were never taught to make wise financial decisions! It’s as though values went out the window when deciding on major financial investments! And, as it is now clear, individuals can’t just claim that it’s alright to make whatever decisions they want to because we have now been persuaded that poor decisions can be devastating for millions of people!

Interestingly, I chose a profession whose income levels were unlikely to bring in the kind of money necessary to “fix” what I, as a child, had considered inadequacies. And I chose a lifestyle that valued interpersonal relationships and spiritual matters more than material possessions. Particularly now that I am beyond 50, I have realized, as my high school economics teacher once told us – the more stuff you have, the more time and money you have to spend taking care of it. And I don’t want to spend the time or the money. I want to spend time with my daughter, enjoy the out of doors, travel, attend arts events, give something back to society. These are “riches” that fall by the wayside when one is a single professional mother if one has too much “stuff” to take care of. So, I have just downsized, living in a 1000 square foot place and getting rid of everything I didn’t absolutely love. The result is that my daughter feels “poor” despite our more than adequate housing and income – she does not share my values at this time in her life about what makes life “rich.” Like my childhood experiences with our parents, she has not yet come to value what I value, and, as a result, she feels deprived.

So, do we parents just give in? Or do we fully claim our roles as transmitters of values? Do we fully and intentionally teach our children the reasons for the choices we make, financial and otherwise? They will learn whether we are intentional or not, either following in our footsteps or rebelling strongly and making different choices. Do we talk with them about our choices and why we make them? Do we share the values that inform our choices? Do we ourselves think about our values and how our decisions will affect us, our children, and our world in the long run?

In fact, what better time than when we are approaching Christmas to become intentional about gratefulness and the right place for “stuff” in our lives. Spending money on Black Friday doesn’t have to be about materialism or greed or selfishness. In our household it was about getting 70% off on warm clothes that we were lacking due to a recent move from Florida to Colorado. Not spending money that we don’t have to spend is one of our values. So, earlier access to Black Friday sales is less the question than, “Will we be seduced by what is external – be it advertising or keeping up with the Joneses -- or will we be guided by an internal sense of what is important in life, what will help our children grow up to be responsible caring people, what really matters in the long term, rather than only in the short term?” The question is, “What are our values? Are those values contributing to our long term well-being and our children’s long term well-being?” and “Have we considered the impact that our choices make on our communities and the larger society?” “Do we take into consideration that ‘no one is an island,’ that our choices affect many other people, and that ultimately certain ways of living are unsustainable?” Those are the questions that move beyond the simplistic. Those are the questions that challenge us to be intentional about the way we live our lives, that challenge us to take into consideration the bigger picture, the longer term impacts, for individuals, families, and communities. Will you join me in asking them in your family? After all, what better time is there to ask them than at Thanksgiving or as we approach Christmas, Chanukah, and the New Year?