Children and Trauma: What’s a Parent to Do?

The recent tornadoes and their paths of death and destruction have drawn the attention of national news in recent weeks. And well they should! Some may wonder whether children should be exposed to such news. Some may wonder how the children who have experienced such disasters can be helped to understand what has happened. Some may wonder what they should tell their children about such disasters in the wake of the destruction of lives and homes and schools and cities.

And so, parents are faced with the age old question about the problem of evil. Who causes it? Why does it happen? Is there a God? And if so, has God forgotten us? Why would a Higher Power allow such evil to happen? Or maybe it doesn’t it have anything to do with the spiritual? Maybe Mother Earth is just doing her thing? Might it be the result of mistreating the earth? Does global warming, caused by carbon emissions, result in more tornadoes?

As children see these things happen, they begin asking questions, just as we all do. Questions like these are their attempts to make sense out of the world, their attempts to deal with their fear, their attempts to understand and have some control over their lives. After all, who wants to believe that tragedies can hit any time and that we have no control over them? What child (or adult for that matter) wants to face day-to-day life with the thought that everything could come to an end at any point?

The existentialists believe that facing such questions is what gives meaning to life. Such life and death questions force us to decide what our lives will be about, how we will live day-to-day life in ways that mean something, that have value, that are important. But many of our children are a little young for existential questions.

What is clear is that we need to talk with our children in ways that meet them where they are, both emotionally and developmentally. For instance:

· Young children without mental health problems may want to know what has happened, may have heard things from their friends, but may find pictures of the destruction too overwhelming. Parents should probably protect them from television coverage, but talk with them about what has happened, what they as parents do to protect their family, and what their family might do to offer help to those who have lost their homes.

· In contrast, older children may be so focused on their own lives and needs that parents may want to urge them to think of others, to be less selfish, to take a larger view of life. When tragedies like this occur, parents might direct teens to the needs of those in the midst of the trouble, to how they might take direct action to help, and to think about what the children in the midst of the tornado-ravaged areas are experiencing. Parents might also take the lead in helping youth groups (e.g. sports, religious, service) to find ways to send aide to storm damaged areas.

· Children with mental health problems may have special needs when they become aware of disasters. Those with anxiety or depressive disorders may over-focus on the destruction and find it difficult to let go of the images or the fears that the same might happen to them and their families. They might experience difficulties sleeping or increased emotionality. Parents may want to protect such children from exposure to television and newspaper images or may want to increase professional counseling assistance for a time.

Fundamentally, parents need to be intentional about parenting, and this need becomes more apparent in times of tragedy. Parents need to have decided what they believe about the problems of evil and destruction – both for their own mental health and decisions about how to respond, and in order to be prepared to help their children to respond helpfully. Intentional parenting requires moving beyond merely reacting. It means taking time to step back from life, to reflect, to consider how best to parent, to talk with others about how to handle difficult situations, including deciding how to be ready for trouble. How are you doing at being intentional? What conversations will you have with your children about the recent tornadoes?