What About Me?

One of the great struggles of parenting is figuring out how to optimally meet children’s needs while also managing to meet your own. This struggle is magnified when parents work outside the home. Those who work outside the home sometimes think enviously of their friends who get to just do one thing - parent – and who get to put all of their focus on their kids. If they don’t like their jobs, they may find themselves particularly envious of those who stay home.

But the envy can go both ways – Stay-at-home parents often think those out in the work world are living it up. That they are getting to do all kinds of meaningful and world-changing activities. Some stay-at-home parents long for the opportunity to really make a difference in the world. A difference in something bigger than changing diapers and cleaning toilets and ensuring that the homework gets done.

And that is the rub, isn’t it? Parenting is perhaps the most important job parents will ever do! Most start families because they want children. They want to have a loving family. They want to bring a little miniature of themselves into the world. They want to contribute to creating the world. They want to do with their children all of the joyous things they had opportunities to do as children. Or they want to ensure that their children have better experiences than they did as children.

Figuring out how to mesh work in the world and work in the home - two very important and meaningful activities -- together without blowing a gasket is a tremendous challenge. And it grows more challenging in single parent families. And then add complications like moving or illness or the end of the school year or grandparents who need extra care or a recession or job loss. What’s a parent to do? Sometimes it just takes letting go of it all, sitting in front of the television set and vegging out! Sometimes parents need to feed themselves - both figuratively and literally. Sometimes they need to call on friends, and simply say, “Help!!” Most times they just have to admit to themselves that they are in a hole, that they can’t do it all, that they need to let go of all the extras, and that they need to call in all of their favors.

When others respond to the call, parents know they aren’t alone. They then have a little more time and a little more emotional energy to figure out what to do to make life better. Friends can help parents through the tough times so that they can come out on the other side. Friends coming to the rescue create a sense of community that helps prevent the chaos the next time around. And parents can contribute to that community in better times, when their friends are in need.

So, give yourself a break today! Take a little “me” time! Get the balance out and look at how much nurturance is coming in and how much is going out. Decide to take a little more in - if for nothing else than to ensure that you are well stocked for the end of the school year, for the next time the children’s needs become overwhelming. All parents need it. And you deserve it too.

Children and Trauma: What’s a Parent to Do?

The recent tornadoes and their paths of death and destruction have drawn the attention of national news in recent weeks. And well they should! Some may wonder whether children should be exposed to such news. Some may wonder how the children who have experienced such disasters can be helped to understand what has happened. Some may wonder what they should tell their children about such disasters in the wake of the destruction of lives and homes and schools and cities.

And so, parents are faced with the age old question about the problem of evil. Who causes it? Why does it happen? Is there a God? And if so, has God forgotten us? Why would a Higher Power allow such evil to happen? Or maybe it doesn’t it have anything to do with the spiritual? Maybe Mother Earth is just doing her thing? Might it be the result of mistreating the earth? Does global warming, caused by carbon emissions, result in more tornadoes?

As children see these things happen, they begin asking questions, just as we all do. Questions like these are their attempts to make sense out of the world, their attempts to deal with their fear, their attempts to understand and have some control over their lives. After all, who wants to believe that tragedies can hit any time and that we have no control over them? What child (or adult for that matter) wants to face day-to-day life with the thought that everything could come to an end at any point?

The existentialists believe that facing such questions is what gives meaning to life. Such life and death questions force us to decide what our lives will be about, how we will live day-to-day life in ways that mean something, that have value, that are important. But many of our children are a little young for existential questions.

What is clear is that we need to talk with our children in ways that meet them where they are, both emotionally and developmentally. For instance:

· Young children without mental health problems may want to know what has happened, may have heard things from their friends, but may find pictures of the destruction too overwhelming. Parents should probably protect them from television coverage, but talk with them about what has happened, what they as parents do to protect their family, and what their family might do to offer help to those who have lost their homes.

· In contrast, older children may be so focused on their own lives and needs that parents may want to urge them to think of others, to be less selfish, to take a larger view of life. When tragedies like this occur, parents might direct teens to the needs of those in the midst of the trouble, to how they might take direct action to help, and to think about what the children in the midst of the tornado-ravaged areas are experiencing. Parents might also take the lead in helping youth groups (e.g. sports, religious, service) to find ways to send aide to storm damaged areas.

· Children with mental health problems may have special needs when they become aware of disasters. Those with anxiety or depressive disorders may over-focus on the destruction and find it difficult to let go of the images or the fears that the same might happen to them and their families. They might experience difficulties sleeping or increased emotionality. Parents may want to protect such children from exposure to television and newspaper images or may want to increase professional counseling assistance for a time.

Fundamentally, parents need to be intentional about parenting, and this need becomes more apparent in times of tragedy. Parents need to have decided what they believe about the problems of evil and destruction – both for their own mental health and decisions about how to respond, and in order to be prepared to help their children to respond helpfully. Intentional parenting requires moving beyond merely reacting. It means taking time to step back from life, to reflect, to consider how best to parent, to talk with others about how to handle difficult situations, including deciding how to be ready for trouble. How are you doing at being intentional? What conversations will you have with your children about the recent tornadoes?

Empathy: The Ground of Moral Behavior (April 2009)

Major spreads in our local newspapers have detailed the tragedy of losing 21 polo ponies to incompetent or perhaps illegal pharmaceutical compounding. I have been struck by pictures of grieving owners, and have myself empathized with their pain, and felt the craziness of such an unnecessary loss. It seems that pain caused unnecessarily to animals draws out our feelings of compassion and empathy.

Similarly, our Girl Scout troop visited the local animal shelter to do a service project this week, and the girls found themselves drawn to adopt the "poor puppies and kitties" who had been mistreated and needed homes. The girls came home and very effectively persuaded moms (myself included) to visit and to adopt. I felt the pain of the little four pound puppy who had been in the shelter for three weeks recovering from illness and mistreatment. Why would anyone mistreat or harm these helpless little beings?


While I don't want to diminish any feelings we may have toward these animals, I do want to pose questions about our empathy failures with human beings. And I want to do so, not from a feeling of superiority, but from an acknowledgement that I need to be more empathic with the people I care about, and even with those whom I probably should care more about.

Empathy is "feeling with" people, the ability to get inside another's skin and know what they are experiencing. It is touted as essential to our ethical or moral development and as what motivates us to behave morally or ethically. Empathy is the internal feeling that urges us to behave well toward others. It is the internal response to the question, "How would you feel if someone else did that (something of questionable moral character) to you?"

And yet, how often do we leave our empathy behind? When we are angry at the boss or an employee, do we remember to consider what their feelings are likely to be in response to our anger, or do we focus only on our own? When a family member or colleague fails to take care of their responsibilities, do we start yelling? Or do we take time to consider whether our chastisement is warranted, or whether they have a good reason for the failure, reasons that need to be considered and discussed as part of the effort to get the responsibilities taken care of?

I have complained to my daughter's elementary school principal about the amount of yelling that goes on at her school, and have even transferred my daughter out of a classroom in which the teacher regularly yelled at children. Yelling isn't what is taught as a classroom management strategy in teacher education programs, and what is taught works very effectively. Although I understand that teachers may become frustrated at times, I wonder if the yellers are taking the time to anticipate what the children on the receiving end of the yelling will feel. After all, as adults, shouldn't we be able to put our children's or students' needs and feelings before our own, even if we are angry or upset?

I made a Lenten promise to my daughter to stop being as irritable or harsh with her when she misbehaves. As a former family therapist, I know that harshness is not a recommended parenting or change creation strategy. And I find that all it takes to put my harshness aside is empathizing with her feelings - thinking ahead about how she will feel if I "blast" her. Should we be any less concerned about the feelings of our neighbors, our coworkers, our boss, our church members, or our employees?

If our answer is "No, of course not," then I would challenge you to take the questions a step further - What about people we don't know? People at a distance? What about the homeless person on your street corner, or the illegal immigrant who mows your lawn? What about the neighbor who lost her job, or the single parent struggling to care for three children? What about that friend who has become largely housebound due to a disability? What about the professional family who has become homeless because dad lost his job, the mortgage payments went sky high, and there are no other family members to step up and help?

Or might we consider a lack of empathy to have played a part in our current crisis? Was Bernie Madoff considering the feelings of the people whose money he took? Were the mortgage brokers who provided loans for people who were going to find it really hard to stay solvent thinking about the long term feelings or experiences of the people who wanted to borrow money? Were the lenders and realtors and financial mavens thinking about the long term risks of what they were doing, the risks that people would lose their homes, their retirement, their life savings, their jobs?

I am reminded of Robert Fulghum's book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten (2004), in which he reminds us of Kindergarten's rules - Share Everything, Don't Hit Other People, Play Fair, Clean Up Your Own Mess, Don't Take Things That Aren't Yours. If we asked people why they follow these rules, wouldn't they remind us that we would want others to behave this way toward us? Wouldn't putting ourselves in another's place, and thus empathizing with her or him, keep us from doing wrong? Aren't we encouraged to do the right thing by our empathy with others? How much better might our relationships be if we started from a place of empathy rather than our "rights?" If we can empathize even with the horses or the shelter animals, can't we do the same for other human beings? Can we encourage ourselves to extend our empathy just a little further each week? Let's hear a rousing chorus of our nation's current positive attitude: "Yes, we can!"