Children and Trauma: What’s a Parent to Do?

The recent tornadoes and their paths of death and destruction have drawn the attention of national news in recent weeks. And well they should! Some may wonder whether children should be exposed to such news. Some may wonder how the children who have experienced such disasters can be helped to understand what has happened. Some may wonder what they should tell their children about such disasters in the wake of the destruction of lives and homes and schools and cities.

And so, parents are faced with the age old question about the problem of evil. Who causes it? Why does it happen? Is there a God? And if so, has God forgotten us? Why would a Higher Power allow such evil to happen? Or maybe it doesn’t it have anything to do with the spiritual? Maybe Mother Earth is just doing her thing? Might it be the result of mistreating the earth? Does global warming, caused by carbon emissions, result in more tornadoes?

As children see these things happen, they begin asking questions, just as we all do. Questions like these are their attempts to make sense out of the world, their attempts to deal with their fear, their attempts to understand and have some control over their lives. After all, who wants to believe that tragedies can hit any time and that we have no control over them? What child (or adult for that matter) wants to face day-to-day life with the thought that everything could come to an end at any point?

The existentialists believe that facing such questions is what gives meaning to life. Such life and death questions force us to decide what our lives will be about, how we will live day-to-day life in ways that mean something, that have value, that are important. But many of our children are a little young for existential questions.

What is clear is that we need to talk with our children in ways that meet them where they are, both emotionally and developmentally. For instance:

· Young children without mental health problems may want to know what has happened, may have heard things from their friends, but may find pictures of the destruction too overwhelming. Parents should probably protect them from television coverage, but talk with them about what has happened, what they as parents do to protect their family, and what their family might do to offer help to those who have lost their homes.

· In contrast, older children may be so focused on their own lives and needs that parents may want to urge them to think of others, to be less selfish, to take a larger view of life. When tragedies like this occur, parents might direct teens to the needs of those in the midst of the trouble, to how they might take direct action to help, and to think about what the children in the midst of the tornado-ravaged areas are experiencing. Parents might also take the lead in helping youth groups (e.g. sports, religious, service) to find ways to send aide to storm damaged areas.

· Children with mental health problems may have special needs when they become aware of disasters. Those with anxiety or depressive disorders may over-focus on the destruction and find it difficult to let go of the images or the fears that the same might happen to them and their families. They might experience difficulties sleeping or increased emotionality. Parents may want to protect such children from exposure to television and newspaper images or may want to increase professional counseling assistance for a time.

Fundamentally, parents need to be intentional about parenting, and this need becomes more apparent in times of tragedy. Parents need to have decided what they believe about the problems of evil and destruction – both for their own mental health and decisions about how to respond, and in order to be prepared to help their children to respond helpfully. Intentional parenting requires moving beyond merely reacting. It means taking time to step back from life, to reflect, to consider how best to parent, to talk with others about how to handle difficult situations, including deciding how to be ready for trouble. How are you doing at being intentional? What conversations will you have with your children about the recent tornadoes?

Standing Against Evil

We don’t talk much about good and evil in our society. We leave those discussions for the churches. And even there, it is primarily the conservative and evangelical churches that “rant” about the problems of evil and fighting the “devil” in our society. Whatever your spiritual beliefs, however, I think we are clear that there are certain evils in our world, evils that are clear no matter what we believe. I don’t think any of us would argue that killing or doing violence to others when we haven’t been threatened with the same is wrong. We also probably wouldn’t argue that taking or destroying other people’s property is wrong. Other wrongs might include the sex slave industry, child pornography and other abuses, and discrimination against or physical and economic abuse of women or people of color.

But other issues are trickier, maybe because their damage to lives takes longer to appear, maybe because we want to separate ourselves from certain parts of society, and maybe because we think people ought to be free to make their own choices even if in the long run these choices are harmful to themselves and other people. I am struck by two major social and health problems that have been hitting the news lately: pill mills in Florida and obesity. These are serious issues, and, as citizens, we need to seriously consider what to do about them, where to take a stand. We need to avoid staying oblivious or too busy or outside the loop. The numbers of people who die each year as a result of these problems far outweigh the numbers who are dying in the war in the Middle East. Why aren’t we paying more attention?

For instance, I was personally shocked to hear that Florida’s governor, Rick Scott, was shutting down the database whose purpose is to keep track of the prescription of addictive drugs so as to shut down “pill mills” in which doctors illegally and unethically distribute large quantities of pills. The point of the database is to save lives. And in Florida, seven people die each day as a result of overdoses on these pills, not to mention all those harmed in other states because dealers come to Florida to get these easily accessible pills. The database is considered so important that, even though it is being run by the State of Florida, it is completely funded by private donations. The Board members who have established and pushed for the database believe it to be so critical that some have paid their own travel and meal expenses and have contributed substantial amounts of money to establishing the database.

I certainly understand that addicted people need to take responsibility for their own behaviors, and that helping them to achieve sobriety should be a goal. But individual problems rarely belong solely to individuals, and so often larger system solutions are needed. We don’t hand a loaded gun to someone who is threatening suicide and is seriously depressed. We clear away all of the potential instruments of their destruction while they are still at risk and while we are assisting them to get help. Why would we not help the addicted in the same way? Do we just want to separate ourselves from this “evil” because it doesn’t have to do with us? Do we really think that we can live our lives so independently that we are not affected by the people who are dying down the street or by the crimes that are happening right next door?

And what about obesity, another major health threat? The number of deaths each year from obesity-related illnesses are staggering. The costs to the health care industry, that all of us pay for with our steadily increasing insurance premiums, are just as appalling. Our addictions to junk food continue to be fed by its relatively cheap cost and the barrages of advertisements in our media. And this addiction is socially acceptable, somehow. We can, at least in our minds, separate ourselves from drug addicts -- somehow we are “good” and they are “evil.” But, given that 30% of our country is obese, and food is not associated with the criminal element, we can’t really separate ourselves from the problem of obesity. It is right here in front of us every day. Even those parents who try to create healthy meals and try not to respond to the media frenzy find themselves struggling because of the pressure from their children to join “everyone else” in eating junk food so they won’t feel deprived.

How will we fight these evils? Why don’t we take a stand? What keeps us isolated in our homes, figuring that “everyone has a right to live their own lives as they choose?” Do they? Do they have the right to put people in danger? We demonstrate against war for many reasons, one of which its great danger to human life. As a country, we work diligently to stop dangerous dictators from harming and killing their people. And yet, we don’t invest in fighting evils that happen right here at home? Right in front of us? Are our consciences calloused? Are there so many evils that we are fatigued with the fight? Or are we simply not naming evil for what it is? Are we not seeing that we have power and therefore responsibility? Are we keeping ourselves too busy to be proactive? Are we unconsciously moving through life instead of consciously choosing to engage fully in moving against evil and acting for right? Are we leaving it to others, who are increasingly underfunded and therefore undermotivated or unable to act as effectively as is needed?

How will you answer those questions? Until we all invest some energy in answering them, it is unlikely that we will solve the problems.