Teaching Kids to be Grateful

One of the discussions raised about Black Friday this year was whether starting sales on Thanksgiving evening at 9 pm was cutting into family time, into the time allocated to giving thanks for what really matters. How, it was asked, can we teach our children about gratefulness if we are willing to curtail Thanksgiving in favor of raw materialism? In fact, one article touted research in favor of emphasizing gratefulness because grateful children

• are happier,
• get better grades,
• have more friends,
• feel less envy and depression,
• place less importance on material goods,
• are more willing to share, and
• are less likely to judge themselves and others in terms of possessions accumulated (Denver Post, Wirthman).

Who wouldn’t want these results for their children?

And so I am left to ask, how exactly do we teach our children to be more grateful? As Christmas and Hanukkah and New Year’s Eve approach, times when most of us celebrate very significant parts of our faith experience and have the opportunity to reevaluate our lives and make resolutions for improvements, it seems particularly valuable to help our children to carefully weigh what is important in their lives as well. Of course, it is unlikely that our children will do this if we adults are not taking the same opportunity to show gratefulness and to invest in what is valuable to us!

So ask yourself these questions: Do we consider these holidays merely a time

• For getting more stuff?
• For spending lots of money on giving parties?
• For being seen at the right parties dressed in the best clothes?
• For getting drunk or high?
• For having the yearly fight with family members we don’t get along with?
• For outshining the neighbors with our decorations?
• For draining our bank accounts in our efforts to show love or compete with others?

Or do we use this time of year to take stock of our lives, to ask questions such as:

• What do I really care about?
• What makes my life worth living?
• Who do I care about?
• What am I doing to show them my love?
• How am I investing time and energy and money in what matters?
• What conversations am I having with my children about what is important in life?
• Am I serving as a good role model for my children?

The “demands” for more “stuff” seem constant in our household. And the comparisons with what other children have or get are raised regularly. The choices I make to live frugally and to have only the “stuff” I need and to save money for what I consider important (for instance, college) frequently upset my daughter. She doesn’t want to feel “less” than her friends, and when kids are in middle school, fitting in by having the same material things and clothes and opportunities seems very important. I remember that time and how difficult it was to not do and have what other kids had because of my own parents’ choices.

But the world is filled with materialism and other values choices that help no one and, in some cases, actually cause problems (think pollution, overflowing landfills, foreclosures, recessions). If the grownups don’t make the hard decisions, it is unlikely that the children will make them. If the grownups aspire to the higher values in life, it is likely that the children will as well. So, as my friend used to say, let’s put on our big girl panties, and make the hard choices, stand for something important, become role models for our children, and have the hard discussions. Let’s talk with the other parents and ask them to join us, start discussions and support groups. Let’s take a stand for what’s right, rather than what’s merely more. Let’s make the world a better place for our children and grandchildren to create a future in. What a holiday gift that would be!

The True Meaning of Christmas

I was struck by the Denver Post article, “Teaching kids to be grateful,” that asked whether the Black Friday shopping events would turn kids into materialistic creatures, rather than helping them to be grateful for what they have. Gratefulness is difficult in our household, I must admit. And it seems to circle right around the perceived need for “stuff,” more and better “stuff” than the friends have – or at least the same amount and kind of “stuff” that friends have.

I remember those inclinations as a child – I would be forever asking our parents for what my best friend, Linda, had. My sister would regularly ask for a television and a horse, requests that were repeated every Christmas for most of our growing up years. And, as you can imagine, given that we had no television growing up, our parents were making different choices than the parents of our friends. We frequently felt left out or as though our friends were far better endowed than we were with clothes and toys and activities.

And yet, isn’t that the reason we are in such trouble economically now? That some folks wanted more and better stuff and put those wants above making wise choices? That they chose houses that they probably couldn’t afford, commissions on riskier and riskier mortgages, larger and larger bonuses? It’s as though folks were never taught to make wise financial decisions! It’s as though values went out the window when deciding on major financial investments! And, as it is now clear, individuals can’t just claim that it’s alright to make whatever decisions they want to because we have now been persuaded that poor decisions can be devastating for millions of people!

Interestingly, I chose a profession whose income levels were unlikely to bring in the kind of money necessary to “fix” what I, as a child, had considered inadequacies. And I chose a lifestyle that valued interpersonal relationships and spiritual matters more than material possessions. Particularly now that I am beyond 50, I have realized, as my high school economics teacher once told us – the more stuff you have, the more time and money you have to spend taking care of it. And I don’t want to spend the time or the money. I want to spend time with my daughter, enjoy the out of doors, travel, attend arts events, give something back to society. These are “riches” that fall by the wayside when one is a single professional mother if one has too much “stuff” to take care of. So, I have just downsized, living in a 1000 square foot place and getting rid of everything I didn’t absolutely love. The result is that my daughter feels “poor” despite our more than adequate housing and income – she does not share my values at this time in her life about what makes life “rich.” Like my childhood experiences with our parents, she has not yet come to value what I value, and, as a result, she feels deprived.

So, do we parents just give in? Or do we fully claim our roles as transmitters of values? Do we fully and intentionally teach our children the reasons for the choices we make, financial and otherwise? They will learn whether we are intentional or not, either following in our footsteps or rebelling strongly and making different choices. Do we talk with them about our choices and why we make them? Do we share the values that inform our choices? Do we ourselves think about our values and how our decisions will affect us, our children, and our world in the long run?

In fact, what better time than when we are approaching Christmas to become intentional about gratefulness and the right place for “stuff” in our lives. Spending money on Black Friday doesn’t have to be about materialism or greed or selfishness. In our household it was about getting 70% off on warm clothes that we were lacking due to a recent move from Florida to Colorado. Not spending money that we don’t have to spend is one of our values. So, earlier access to Black Friday sales is less the question than, “Will we be seduced by what is external – be it advertising or keeping up with the Joneses -- or will we be guided by an internal sense of what is important in life, what will help our children grow up to be responsible caring people, what really matters in the long term, rather than only in the short term?” The question is, “What are our values? Are those values contributing to our long term well-being and our children’s long term well-being?” and “Have we considered the impact that our choices make on our communities and the larger society?” “Do we take into consideration that ‘no one is an island,’ that our choices affect many other people, and that ultimately certain ways of living are unsustainable?” Those are the questions that move beyond the simplistic. Those are the questions that challenge us to be intentional about the way we live our lives, that challenge us to take into consideration the bigger picture, the longer term impacts, for individuals, families, and communities. Will you join me in asking them in your family? After all, what better time is there to ask them than at Thanksgiving or as we approach Christmas, Chanukah, and the New Year?

God's in the Details

Do you ever wonder whether you will get to the end of your “list?” You know the one – the one you have to keep or you will forget all the details of your life. The one that includes things like, get the oil changed, sign the permission slip, bring cookies to church, pay the bills, check whether the insurance is covering the medical bills correctly, check in on the investments, pick up the dry cleaning. My list has gotten so long that I don’t even like to look at it. And yet, if I don’t, too many things fall through the cracks. So, I keep adding to it. And once in a while I reorganize it. And at the beginning of each day I make decisions about what parts of that list I will invest in that day. But most of the time, I am just trying to get as much of the list done as possible in the time I allot to it so I can move on to the things that really matter in life. It doesn’t even seem realistic to think that I will ever get to the bottom of the almighty list. That I will ever complete everything on it.

Then there is the meaningful part of my life, the part I feel “Called” to, the part that makes me feel most alive, most connected to my deepest Source of meaning: my work, my daughter, singing at church, friendships, communing with nature, creating art. These are what I would rather be doing when I am getting tied up in knots over the details. These are what make life worth living. These put a smile on my face and love in my heart, as they say!

And the smile and love are definitely missing when cleaning the toilets, having teacher conferences, remembering to send the check to school for some event – you know the sorts of things. And because of losing touch with the Source of my being, I don’t always feel optimal, I don’t always behave well, and I don’t always treat people as people, or treat them well. I get irritated more easily. I get worried that I won’t finish the parts of the list I need to in the time I am willing to a lot to them. How about you? Sound familiar?

And so I wondered, shouldn’t God – or your higher power, or your values, or your deepest source of meaning -- be in the details too? Shouldn’t we be intentional about choosing the details, perhaps choosing only those that matter? After all, the people we encounter when trying to get our lists done are still people with feelings and lives and a sense of their own meaning. They don’t deserve to be treated as mere machines or objects capable only of contributing to our lists. Martin Buber spoke of an “I-Thou” relationship, one that values every human being we encounter, one that connects with others at a spiritual or meaning level regardless of the task at hand. And isn’t this what raises us above the animals? Isn’t this the very thing that makes us human?

So, what would happen if we treated everyone we encountered while completing our lists in this way? What would happen if we chose to bring God, as you understand the Source of your deepest meaning, into the details of our lists. What if we connected with that Source as we created the lists? What if we didn’t leave that Source behind no matter what we were doing?

I am imagining the results would be a better life! Less stress! More meaningful connections with those we care about! Less investment in things that don’t really matter! More caring and less wasted effort! More meaningful effort! And how can that not make our families and workplaces and schools and communities into better places, happier places, places that give back as much love as we put into them. Are you with me on this?

The Power of Film: For Good?

I was struck as I read the Denver Post’s article, “A Jewish case for Mel Gibson,” by the power of media – in this case film – to impact our moral center. We can read the Bible. We can read religiously-oriented books or other materials. We can study theology. But often, when we see what we have read portrayed on screen by skilled actors, we truly experience the power of the story. We feel history. We are there. We are one with the actors. We step out of our own skin and into the experiences of those on the screen.

And if we experience such traditions in multiple parts of our lives, they gain even more power. And that power affects our hearts, the ways we think about things, the choices we will then make, the ways in which we interact with other people. Should we be careful, as a result, about what we view or experience, or what we allow our children to view or experience, as many conservatives might advocate? Or should we (and our children) view a wide variety of things and have a wide variety of experiences so as to trigger our emotions and trigger our motivation to fully engage in deeper thought, deeper conversations, more serious consideration of how we live in this world.

As you think about the answers to these questions, consider my daughter’s experience. The Old Testament came alive for her as she read Exodus because she remembered the intensity of the exodus story in the Disney movie, Prince of Egypt. The “story” gained even more power when she was studying world cultures in her social studies class, and heard about the exodus again, and created maps about it because of its role in world history. I am sure we can all think of similar experiences we have had in which sometimes dry traditions or historical stories come to life when actors portray them in film or on stage. In fact, the need for information to touch all of our senses in order for us to really learn is the foundation of modern day education – just step into an elementary school classroom and watch the children study a culture. They read about it, draw pictures about it, create dramas about it, and develop and present projects on it. Research tell us that we all need more than words on a page to be truly impacted, to truly learn, to truly be motivated to change our lives.

And it seems that it is the power of media to affect us that brings up Jewish questions and comments about Mel Gibson producing a movie about the Jewish icon Judas Maccabaeus. “If this man has engaged in Jew bashing, can he really be trusted to produce such a movie,” ask Jewish people? “Will he tell the truth? Will he be biased?” “Will his movie touch movie goers in the ways we want them to be touched?” “Or will Jews once again be portrayed badly, in ways that have hurt them historically?”

Similarly, many of us questioned Mel’s portrayal of Christ in The Passion of Christ – not, perhaps, so much for dramatic reasons, but because of the misplaced ego of it all. “After all,” some asked, “Where does he get off playing our Savior?” But whether we are believers or not, whether we agreed with everything the movie portrayed or not, producing and acting in it took a great deal of chutzpah. And think about the discussions it triggered! The dialogue about faith and Christianity and truth! Think about the changes in the faith experiences of people who watched the movie because of the power of images on the screen! We might not consider just any “experience” justifiable. But isn’t this what art is about – the power to impact us? The power to get us to think? The power to get us up off our behinds and fully engaged in life and the types of discussions that make the world a better place?

So, in response to Jewish questions about whether Mel can be trusted with this project, I ask, what is it that you most care about? Do you want people to take Judaism seriously? Do you want them to know about it and ask questions about it and let it into their experience? I mean there are not that many Jewish people in the world compared with other religious groups. How will their voices be heard and respected? Whatever Mel’s faults, it is unlikely that he will produce a film that isn’t powerful and that doesn’t at least try to portray truth. Sometimes truth doesn’t feel good. Sometimes truths can’t fully be known – they have to be guessed or hypothesized. Sometimes our perspectives on truth change with the times and with different experiences we have.

But without our religious or spiritual or moral truths taking a more central place in our vision and conversations and passions, it is unlikely that we will listen, talk about them, and allow them to affect our world in positive ways. It is unlikely that we will become proactive in standing against what we all agree are evils. And we need a lot more energy in that direction, from my perspective!

What Will Your Bench Say?

I loved “Sorry, I’ve just got to vandalize this bench” in the Denver Post this week! The message is powerful, and one I try to communicate to my daughter regularly. The author, Kate Morrison, saw two benches on the corner of University and 1^st in Cherry Creek -- “This is what you use,” written on a large bench, and “This is what you need,” written on a small bench next to it. She found the metaphor relevant to many areas of life, and so wanted to vandalize the benches with the following possible parallel quotes:

When will we get the message? How much do we really need? Is it really making us happier? What are we giving up in order to get all this money? All this stuff? All these experiences?

We aren’t healthier! We just keep eating more, sitting in front of the TV more, and then, as a result, keeping the diet centers and doctors in business .

We aren’t happier! We just eat more, abuse ourselves more, and do more therapy!

We don’t do our relationships any better! We just do more divorce, more therapy (a theme here), see one another less, talk with one another less, and have less sense of community.

Clearly the values of “He who dies with the most toys wins” doesn’t get us anywhere worth getting. So, what are we going to do about it? What values do get us something worth having? What values and lifestyles make us happier? Help us to have relationships that work better and grow more? Help our children to grow up happy? What do we need to focus on to be more physically and emotionally healthy? What values will help to reduce crime and poverty and child abuse, and the other ills in our society?

If we don’t think about this, we won’t do anything differently. And if we don’t do anything differently, these societal problems will only increase. We can say, “That doesn’t apply to me.” Or “That doesn’t affect me.” But it really does! We are all connected to one another. We all do affect one another. If I take the first step, it can positively affect someone else. And then someone else. And then again, someone else. Watch the Pay It Forward video clip to see how one person can make a real difference. And then realize that the person who made the difference in that movie was a little kid. Can’t we adults do at least that much? I think so. Who’s with me??

http://payitforward.warnerbros.com/Pay_It_Forward/