War Plus: Will the Big Issues Get Us Down?

Day after day, I read the newspaper articles on Gaza and Israel, and I ask myself, "What's the answer?" "What does an ethicist like myself have to say about such huge and long standing issues?" I ask myself, "What would I say if the politicos in Washington asked me for ethical input?" And I reply to myself, "Yes, but what do I know about politics? What do I know about how to prevent war, how to create peace, how to help countries get along with one another?" I will simply have to stick with what I do know, what I can do, and recognize that if I use all that I have, it will make a difference.

So, what do I know, and what can I do? What do you know, and what can you do? I have spent my career as a mental health professional, doing assessments and psychotherapy, and teaching graduate students to become counselors. What I know is how to help people heal from emotional struggles; how to help them to learn the life skills necessary for daily life, for success in school and work, for raising a family; and how to help them figure out and reach for their dreams. And I know that the world is a better place for the changes created when people grow in these ways. The world around the people I have helped is a more peaceful place. It is a more positive place. It is a place with healthier, less damaging relationships. It is a place where people can trust one another because they know that they have each communicated clearly and honestly with one another. It is a place where when conflict arises, they can trust that the other will work with them to clear it up, rather than disappearing or hating or stirring up trouble. And if I can't solve the war in the middle east, isn't it better to know that there at least some people who are living in greater peace, who are raising their children in a more loving environment, who are following their "call", and so are contributing to the world in some positive way?

What I also know is how to write and teach and develop curricula. And so I write this blog, and write virtue newsletters, and write books on life skills and character and optimal development. And I teach adjunct classes and continuing education classes, developing new curricula as the need arises. And if I can persuade those who read and who are students that "positive psychology" (that is, aiming for mental health, aiming for the best, encouraging optimal development, investing in becoming and creating people of character with strong ethical decision making skills) has value, then perhaps they too will take it out into the world with them, and will assist their clients and students and business partners and family members that being people of character matters. Perhaps they will become persuaded that investing in the "spirit" of life, in the "higher" things of life, makes a difference. Perhaps they will spread the news that if we each aim for the optimal in caring and trustworthiness and responsibility and courage and wisdom and fairness and respect and citizenship, if we take little steps each day, that we can create a better world around us, and that what is "better" will spread and keep on spreading, like the ripples that begin with a mere drop of water.

But it takes intention and inspiration and perhaps spirit to live out what I know, where I am, and to not despair over how short it falls. It takes courage to believe that if I live my life in integrity, if I intentionally aim for the best character, even when I can get away with less, if I encourage the children and parents that I see at school and church and Girl Scouts to do the same, that others will also be motivated to do the same, and that the "good" will spread. It takes trust that others will be just as concerned and motivated as I am, and that we can lean on one another, that we can encourage one another, and that this team effort can transform our schools and families and communities.

But if we don't have the courage to fully live into what we know, where we are, what hope is there? What other options do we have if we want things like wars in Gaza to end, people in the frozen north of the former Soviet Union countries to have access to oil to heat their homes, and the crime ridden neighborhoods around us to become safe?

Will you join me in saying that you will take the risk to invest in your own character and to support your family members and friends and co workers to invest in character? I believe Obama when he says that if we all join together, "Yes, we can" make a difference.

Disagreeing, with Respect

In this week's Palm Beach Post, a discussion about a political conflict in a nearby county generated an interesting response from a man at a party. He said, "I wish that we could disagree without being so disagreeable." The article's author wondered if that had ever been possible in that particular county. Isn't that a sad commentary on our times? That we can't disagree very easily and still remain friends, still work on needed projects, still feel like part of the same community? Why do you suppose that is? What makes us draw lines in the dirt and dare people to cross them? What makes it so hard for us to be able to state what we feel or believe or want, and, if it conflicts with what someone else feels or believes or wants, merely use the difference as an opportunity for growth or learning?

Well, we therapists have our perspectives on this, although we may not do conflict any better ourselves: In order to deal with conflict in healthy ways, we need to have confidence in ourselves. We need to know that "I" will be okay and will exist even if someone different from who "I" am comes into my proverbial neighborhood. When that "I" is strong enough, it can't be threatened by another "I". And that's what we are talking about here, aren't we? When conflict turns into divisions, it is because someone is feeling threatened. Someone figures that they are going to lose, get run over, not be respected. But when I have full respect for myself, I know that I will not disappear just because someone disagrees with me. And when I am not feeling threatened, I can be respectful of other people, fully hear them, care about their perspective, and consider how each of our perspectives might be honored and cared for and supported.

In fact, if I am sure that I am not perfect and not "all knowing," then I ought to want to hear other perspectives in order to learn, in order to expand my horizons, in order to move beyond my limitations. But in order to do that, I have to have respect for other people, particularly those who are different from me. I have to acknowledge that there are other people "out there" who know something, who have valuable things to offer, and who can teach me. I have to be open, rather than closed off. And I have to believe that being able to disagree without being disagreeable is something to aspire to. I'm going to work at this kind of respect for myself and for other people. Will you take the challenge to do so as well?

War Plus: Will the Big Issues Get Us Down? (June 2009)

Day after day, I read the newspaper articles on Gaza and Israel, and I ask myself, "What's the answer?" "What does an ethicist like myself have to say about such huge and long standing issues?" I ask myself, "What would I say if the politicos in Washington asked me for ethical input?" And I reply to myself, "Yes, but what do I know about politics? What do I know about how to prevent war, how to create peace, how to help countries get along with one another?" I will simply have to stick with what I do know, what I can do, and recognize that if I use all that I have, it will make a difference.

So, what do I know, and what can I do? What do you know, and what can you do? I have spent my career as a mental health professional, doing assessments and psychotherapy, and teaching graduate students to become counselors. What I know is how to help people heal from emotional struggles; how to help them to learn the life skills necessary for daily life, for success in school and work, for raising a family; and how to help them figure out and reach for their dreams. And I know that the world is a better place for the changes created when people grow in these ways. The world around the people I have helped is a more peaceful place. It is a more positive place. It is a place with healthier, less damaging relationships. It is a place where people can trust one another because they know that they have each communicated clearly and honestly with one another. It is a place where when conflict arises, they can trust that the other will work with them to clear it up, rather than disappearing or hating or stirring up trouble. And if I can't solve the war in the middle east, isn't it better to know that there at least some people who are living in greater peace, who are raising their children in a more loving environment, who are following their "call", and so are contributing to the world in some positive way?

What I also know is how to write and teach and develop curricula. And so I write this blog, and write virtue newsletters, and write books on life skills and character and optimal development. And I teach adjunct classes and continuing education classes, developing new curricula as the need arises. And if I can persuade those who read and who are students that "positive psychology" (that is, aiming for mental health, aiming for the best, encouraging optimal development, investing in becoming and creating people of character with strong ethical decision making skills) has value, then perhaps they too will take it out into the world with them, and will assist their clients and students and business partners and family members that being people of character matters. Perhaps they will become persuaded that investing in the "spirit" of life, in the "higher" things of life, makes a difference. Perhaps they will spread the news that if we each aim for the optimal in caring and trustworthiness and responsibility and courage and wisdom and fairness and respect and citizenship, if we take little steps each day, that we can create a better world around us, and that what is "better" will spread and keep on spreading, like the ripples that begin with a mere drop of water.

But it takes intention and inspiration and perhaps spirit to live out what I know, where I am, and to not despair over how short it falls. It takes courage to believe that if I live my life in integrity, if I intentionally aim for the best character, even when I can get away with less, if I encourage the children and parents that I see at school and church and Girl Scouts to do the same, that others will also be motivated to do the same, and that the "good" will spread. It takes trust that others will be just as concerned and motivated as I am, and that we can lean on one another, that we can encourage one another, and that this team effort can transform our schools and families and communities.

But if we don't have the courage to fully live into what we know, where we are, what hope is there? What other options do we have if we want things like wars in Gaza to end, people in the frozen north of the former Soviet Union countries to have access to oil to heat their homes, and the crime ridden neighborhoods around us to become safe?

Will you join me in saying that you will take the risk to invest in your own character and to support your family members and friends and co workers to invest in character? I believe Obama when he says that if we all join together, "Yes, we can" make a difference.

Disagreeing, with Respect (October 2008)

In this week's Palm Beach Post, a discussion about a political conflict in a nearby county generated an interesting response from a man at a party. He said, "I wish that we could disagree without being so disagreeable." The article's author wondered if that had ever been possible in that particular county. Isn't that a sad commentary on our times? That we can't disagree very easily and still remain friends, still work on needed projects, still feel like part of the same community? Why do you suppose that is? What makes us draw lines in the dirt and dare people to cross them? What makes it so hard for us to be able to state what we feel or believe or want, and, if it conflicts with what someone else feels or believes or wants, merely use the difference as an opportunity for growth or learning?

Well, we therapists have our perspectives on this, although we may not do conflict any better ourselves: In order to deal with conflict in healthy ways, we need to have confidence in ourselves. We need to know that "I" will be okay and will exist even if someone different from who "I" am comes into my proverbial neighborhood. When that "I" is strong enough, it can't be threatened by another "I". And that's what we are talking about here, aren't we? When conflict turns into divisions, it is because someone is feeling threatened. Someone figures that they are going to lose, get run over, not be respected. But when I have full respect for myself, I know that I will not disappear just because someone disagrees with me. And when I am not feeling threatened, I can be respectful of other people, fully hear them, care about their perspective, and consider how each of our perspectives might be honored and cared for and supported.

In fact, if I am sure that I am not perfect and not "all knowing," then I ought to want to hear other perspectives in order to learn, in order to expand my horizons, in order to move beyond my limitations. But in order to do that, I have to have respect for other people, particularly those who are different from me. I have to acknowledge that there are other people "out there" who know something, who have valuable things to offer, and who can teach me. I have to be open, rather than closed off. And I have to believe that being able to disagree without being disagreeable is something to aspire to. I'm going to work at this kind of respect for myself and for other people. Will you take the challenge to do so as well?