Disagreeing, with Respect

In this week's Palm Beach Post, a discussion about a political conflict in a nearby county generated an interesting response from a man at a party. He said, "I wish that we could disagree without being so disagreeable." The article's author wondered if that had ever been possible in that particular county. Isn't that a sad commentary on our times? That we can't disagree very easily and still remain friends, still work on needed projects, still feel like part of the same community? Why do you suppose that is? What makes us draw lines in the dirt and dare people to cross them? What makes it so hard for us to be able to state what we feel or believe or want, and, if it conflicts with what someone else feels or believes or wants, merely use the difference as an opportunity for growth or learning?

Well, we therapists have our perspectives on this, although we may not do conflict any better ourselves: In order to deal with conflict in healthy ways, we need to have confidence in ourselves. We need to know that "I" will be okay and will exist even if someone different from who "I" am comes into my proverbial neighborhood. When that "I" is strong enough, it can't be threatened by another "I". And that's what we are talking about here, aren't we? When conflict turns into divisions, it is because someone is feeling threatened. Someone figures that they are going to lose, get run over, not be respected. But when I have full respect for myself, I know that I will not disappear just because someone disagrees with me. And when I am not feeling threatened, I can be respectful of other people, fully hear them, care about their perspective, and consider how each of our perspectives might be honored and cared for and supported.

In fact, if I am sure that I am not perfect and not "all knowing," then I ought to want to hear other perspectives in order to learn, in order to expand my horizons, in order to move beyond my limitations. But in order to do that, I have to have respect for other people, particularly those who are different from me. I have to acknowledge that there are other people "out there" who know something, who have valuable things to offer, and who can teach me. I have to be open, rather than closed off. And I have to believe that being able to disagree without being disagreeable is something to aspire to. I'm going to work at this kind of respect for myself and for other people. Will you take the challenge to do so as well?