Values: The Antidote to Self-Control Fatigue

January! The month we all make our New Year’s Resolutions. And the month we all start failing at our New Year’s Resolutions! For years, mine was to lose weight – not an uncommon resolution, I understand. (I didn’t make any this year. Keep reading and I’ll tell you why.) What about yours? Are they realistic? Do they ever make it beyond January? If not, why do you think that is?

George Will, columnist for The Washington Post, comments on New Year’s resolutions in his article “Out of Control, By Choice,” in which he reviews Daniel Akst’s book, We Have Met the Enemy: Self-Control in an Age of Excess. As I read the article, I thought about my daughter’s frequent and repeated requests: “Can I have…,” “I want….,” “For my next birthday, I’m gonna ask for. . .,” “Why can’t I have. . .?” And if I suggest to her that she save her allowance, I often get, “But Mooooom. . .,” or “But everyone else has. . .,” or “I wish we were rich, then I could have all these things that I want that everyone else gets just by asking.”

And yet, aren’t many of us like my 11-year-old? We want what we want when we want it, and if the cash is in our pockets, we say, “Why not?” And “it” is constantly, and many times instantly, available these days (one of the points made by the book and Will’s article). This seemingly unlimited availability challenges our self-control. In the case of food – as both authors discuss – we seem to be fighting a losing battle. Obesity has become a national health crisis in our country. Says Will, “One third of Americans are merely overweight, another third are obese. Since 1980, obesity has doubled. . . and the number of diabetics has more than quadrupled.”

But food is clearly not the only temptation – the same can be said about buying almost anything, about sex and drugs and recreational activities. What does it say about us that we can’t seem to get enough?

I, and many other mental health providers and spiritual leaders, would say we are trying to fill up the empty places in our hearts and souls, and we are going about it ways that have no chance of succeeding. Not only that, our unsuccessful efforts take a great deal of time and money, both of which could be better spent on activities that had some chance of success and could provider longer lasting satisfaction. The result of our misdirected efforts are all sorts of personal and societal problems – obesity, as already mentioned, runaway debt, lack of time for interacting meaningfully with friends and family, a lack of a sense of community in our neighborhoods. And the longer term effects include most of what we see in the news these days: a national debt crisis resulting from bailing out criminally negligent financial and other institutions and from our governments’ attempts to prevent more fall out; failing schools; increasing addiction; increasingly polarized political rhetoric; and innocent people being shot by mentally ill people.

What if our New Year’s resolutions were to end the frantic chase after more and better things and entertainment and take a stand for moral and ethical values. We would all get to decide what values we want to be central in our own lives – for instance, love, responsibility, fairness, giving back to society, among many others. But the key daily questions for us after deciding on a set of core ethical values would be, “How will I live out those values today?” “How does what I am thinking about doing today reflect those values?”

With those values at the center of who we are and what we do, we can cease the frenetic and inherently flawed chase after more and better stuff or excitement. We can increase the likelihood of life satisfaction, healthy and loving relationships, and spending that fits our means. We can build the types of communities that will simply and loudly say, “NO!” to the craziness we read in the daily papers. We can declare with our words and behavior, “We simply will not tolerate living in this sort of world!” “We will proactively do whatever is necessary to change it for the better!” And, “We will do it by letting our values lead, rather than being pulled too and fro by ‘flavor of the day.’”

Virtue vs. Vanity

Here we are in the New Year, a new decade, a time that most of us hope will be better than the last couple of years. If you are like me, you have either thought about New Year’s resolutions, are avoiding thinking about them, or are wondering when you will find the time to carefully consider what you want your life to look like in the New Year.

But whatever state your resolutions are in, what are your thoughts about how to decide what you will aim for? Will you decide on “fixing” areas of your life that are in disarray? Will you decide to become something that you are not? Will you let vanity overwhelm values? Or do you have other strategies?

I ask these questions because of what our resolutions typically look like. I have heard many people aspire to lose 20 pounds; to get in shape; to buy the new car they’ve dreamt about; to get the mess in their house cleaned up; to make $1,000,000; to change jobs; to get the big promotion. . . . Well, you get my drift. Is it any wonder that we hear over and over again how few people actualize their resolutions?

Could it be that whatever needs fixing can’t be fixed with just a decision, that some depth work, some digging is needed to recover from past experiences? Could it be that we are aiming for something that has little real worth, something that won’t really fix our lives or bring us joy? Could it be that we are trying to reach our goals by ourselves, without asking for help from others or from a Higher Power? Could it be that we have set our goals without consulting the people who really matter to us, and had we consulted, we would have discovered the need for some compromising in order to ensure that we weren’t impinging on another’s dreams and hopes and resolutions? Could it be that our resolutions are really just responses to external pressures, rather than drawn from our innermost selves, and that as a result, a healthy part of ourselves rebels against merely doing what others seem to want?

What would it look like to do New Year’s resolutions differently? What would happen if we considered making Resolutions to be an opportunity to get our lives in order, to become clear about who we want to be, how we want to live and work, and how we want to do relationships – at home, in the neighborhood, and at work? What would happen if we used this opportunity to set aside regular time for reflecting, for talking seriously with the people who matter to us? Might our resolutions turn out differently if we made them more an exercise in discovering our values than in feeding our vanity (you know, the car, the figure, the body, the money)?

For instance, if we chose several character traits to aim for (e.g. integrity, trust, courage, wisdom, caring, respect), reflected on them each morning with our coffee, and decided to do just one thing of character each day – what might happen? If we chose several areas of our lives (e.g., our relationships, our work, our commitments to “giving back”) or only one to focus these character traits on – might we actually make our resolutions a reality? Consider how your world might change if you decided. . .

• to smile at everyone whom you encountered;
• to look into the eyes of people who were talking with you so as to really
hear them and understand them;
• to take on one new thing each day that you’ve never done before;
• to approach every conflict or disappointment with peacefulness in your heart;
• to get rid of the impatience in your voice as you spoke with your children
or employees;
• to always tell the truth, even it is hard;
• to see the people around you as people, rather than as instruments to help
you to reach your aims
• to ask yourself, as you approach each relationship or conversation, what you
might offer to the other person?

Well, these are some of my ideas about living with character. But no one can decide for you. You have to decide what being wise means, how to be caring, where you need to be courageous. You get to decide what your life will look like this year. Make it a good, well-considered choice – and remember, you get to decide what “good,” or “better,” or “best” is. May you make it the best year yet in very important and meaningful ways!